Scott Hanselman wrote me last week to ask if I'd be interested in purchasing a weight set from him. He liked the thing, but needed room and thought that it might be time to move it on to a new home.

Being a nerd who was at least formerly interested in remaining somewhat fit (in case I ever have to help battle armies of intelligent robot squid), I agreed to take a look at the thing. I felt sorry for Scott because he's only gotten to take about 92 international trips in the past year, and probably doesn't make much money as Chief Architect at Corillian. I'm good at spotting people in a tight spot, and I'm a philanthropist at heart, so I went out to his place on Sunday to give things the once-over.

Let me tell you something: Scott can really sell. I mean, those weights could have been covered in human fecal matter, and I would have asked if he had a spare that I could bring home for my lady friend. He does the whole salesperson thing - You show up, he makes you feel welcome, has free hot dogs and Pepsi out for the kids in the showroom, and then lays into the pitch. He promises you the world (and a refrigerator full of beef if you order today), and you believe him.

Lock, stock, and whatever the rest of the phrase is - You're taken in by his charm, the electric scooter rides, and the image of yourself as a Grecian god that Scott builds up in your mind with all sorts of suggestive language and imagery. He's so good that afterwards you hardly notice he's taken you for a fool.

Yes - A fool.

He didn't give me the manual for the set, and I know why now - There's probably a big warning on the front that says "NOT FOR SPINDLY BUTTON PUSHING PASTY PUSSY NERDS - GO BACK TO YOUR FANCY COMPUTER YOU BIG STUPID GEEK - THIS EXERCISE APPARATUS IS NOT FOR YOU - IF YOU KNOW HOW TO COUNT IN BINARY THEN PAINFUL DEATH AWAITS YE WHO IGNORES THIS WARNING."

I'm in serious pain here.

I set the thing up on Sunday and worked myself into a delirious sweat. I lifted those heavy weight things until my muscles quivered, my body turned to jelly, I spilled onto the floor, and Kori vacuumed me up with the wet/dry vac. Every movement since Sunday has brought aching pain to my various muscles, joints, and other assorted body parts.

I also think the set might be defective. It's harder than I expected for me to lift the weight things, and I can't imagine that it's because I live a largely sedentary lifestyle that involves hours of immobility followed by more hours of immobility on a daily basis, only taking breaks to eat pizza, candy bars, and soda. If they can't make weights lighter, then I don't see how this is my fault. I'm a victim.

In spite of this, I'm pretty happy that I bought the set. Scott gave me an awesome deal on it, and I'm looking forward to pumping the big (small) iron again - It's definitely a good way to relieve stress (seriously - this post is obviously a bit ridiculous, but Scott did give me a good deal, and I am happy with the set (just in case there's anybody out there who can't tell I'm joking)).

Maybe when I'm all big and buff in a few months we can have a big nerd party and I'll beat you all up (for charity, of course). I'll show up in leopard print underwear with my body hair shaved and every inch of my skin covered in grease. RSVP now to secure your spot. It'll be cool.