Hi. In case you forgot, which you probably did because you’re a druggie slut with no hippocampus cells left, my name is RORY BLYTH, and I am CEO OF AMERICA COMPANY:
As you know, AMERICA COMPANY produces products and provides services that make AMERICA COMPANY great, and also America, too (that’s really important).
While strolling about your local supermarket recently, you no doubt saw AMERICA COMPANY’S latest product, although you probably didn’t.
It’s understandable. One thing about AMERICA COMPANY is that our design philosophy is a minimalism that ensures all of our products comfortably blend into the background of your life, kind of like the ringing in your ears after a concert that drives you crazy until you eventually just don’t notice it anymore because your brain adjusts to the frequency of the ringing and tunes it out so that you don’t go crazy and stab yourself in the ear with an ice-pick.
That’s what we do at AMERICA COMPANY: Our Numero Uno Goal is to keep you from stabbing yourself in the ear with an ice-pick.
AMERICA COMPANY’S most recent offering, which as I mentioned you may not have noticed because you’re a slovenly, drunken mess, and you wouldn’t even notice if Jesus farted in your face, is the AMERICA COMPANY ATM/NIGERIAN SCAM MACHINE, which was designed by genuine AMERICA COMPANY engineers that we bought on mail order from Thailand:
Notice the sleek industrial design
At AMERICA COMPANY, our unpaid immigrant slave workers pride themselves on elegant designs that speak to simplicity, and sometimes simplicity speaks back, and then it turns into a conversation in another language, but we’ve outlawed that practice because we think our happy slave workers might be planning a revolution, but it’s nothing that a little plastic-surgery mouth-removal wasn’t able to fix.
The AMERICA COMPANY ATM/NIGERIAN SCAM MACHINE is just another testament to AMERICA COMPANY’S long running commitment to quality and ease of use. While it might look a little complicated at first, it isn’t, and it isn’t because I’m telling you that. It’s just because I’m right. And, just to show you how not complicated the ACANSM is, I, RORY BLYTH, CEO of AMERICA COMPANY, have put together a simple diagram to help you understand what the different parts of the machine do:
It's so easy!
Obviously, this is a machine which requires very little explanation, so I’ll list the SIMPLE and UNBOUNTEOUS steps you would take to perform a typical ATM cash withdrawal from your checking account:
1. Press your face against the screen for a facial ID laser imprint hair follicle pattern check.
2. When prompted, type in the word “ORANGE” in all CAPS and press the Enter key (BUT NOT THE RED BUTTON).
3. Insert a card in a slot. The ACANSM accepts any kind of card, including Subway Sandwich punch cards, playing cards, and pieces of paper that are cut out in card shapes with nothing written on them.
4. The screen will ask you to type in your 128–bit hexadecimal cryptographical secret passkey, but don’t do that – just press the Enter key again (BUT NOT THE RED BUTTON)
5. At this point, the telephone should ring. DO NOT ANSWER IT.
6. You should now be at the main menu – as of this time, the following options should be available to you:
– Withdraw cash
– Put cash in machine
– Materialize wormhole
– Dispense egg
– Begin evacuation procedure
– Attempt to overload reactor core
7. Unless you are a HAZMAT certified biohazard-disposal time traveler, you should only choose one of the first two (2) options.
8. Select “Withdraw Cash” and then input an amount up to $73.20.
9. The money should be mailed to your home in an unmarked envelope, without even your address on it (that’s how unmarked it is), within 2–4 weeks.
10. For the love of god, DON’T PUSH THE RED BUTTON.
11. A four-hundred page document should be dispensed from the report printer. It can take up to ninety minutes for the report to generate, so be patient.
12. Sometimes the ACANSM gets really hot while the report is generating, and the entire machine will temporarily shut down. Smoke and steam should pour out of the exhaust vent until pressures have been stabilized and the hydraulic system has recalibrated itself. THIS IS NORMAL – JUST WAIT IT OUT. Note, however, that if the keyboard catches on fire, then the machine is actually malfunctioning. You can try running, but the reactor meltdown will get you anyway. In fact, everything within thirty square miles will be turned to slag and the land will be uninhabitable for roughly seven-hundred years. THIS IS NORMAL.
And there you go. Couldn’t be easier.
If you should run into a problem (which is unlikely), then just remember that every ACANSM has two (2) AMERICA COMPANY FUSION-POWERED TECHNICAL CUSTOMER SUPPORT SERVICE GNOMES living inside of it. Their names are always “Dinky” and “Doonky”. Do not refer to them by name. They live inside the machine, never leave, and one (either “Dinky” or “Doonky”) takes a twelve hour shift while the other sleeps on the bed and drinks carrot juice to recharge his energy cells:
Dinky and Doonky living HAPPILY inside the ACANSM, waiting to help you
To speak with Dinky or Doonky (you never know which one is on staff – even WE don’t! LOL), simply yell your problem at the machine. One of the AMERICA COMPANY FUSION-POWERED TECHNICAL CUSTOMER SUPPORT SERVICE GNOMES will respond to you quickly through the stereo speakers on the front of the ACANSM.
Caution: Although Dinky and Doonky are there to help you get the most out of your ACANSM experience, they will sometimes encourage you to push the red button – DO NOT DO THIS:
Ne pusher pas le button red ou vous pouvez faire exploder l’univers
After you shout your problem at either Dinky or Doonky (again: DO NOT CALL THEM BY NAME), like I said, you’ll get a response through the stereo speakers. And, because of the general nature of AMERICA COMPANY FUSION-POWERED TECHNICAL CUSTOMER SUPPORT SERVICE GNOMES, the answer will be returned in the form of a song.
For example, if you had a problem and yelled, “I CAN’T GET MONEY FROM THE GOD DAMNED MACHINE,” then you could expect to hear something like this in return (click on the link to the left of this parenthetical statement to listen to the song message as sung by either Dinky or Doonky (sometimes they sing together, but you have to get there at the right time of day)).
Yeah. Pretty self-explanatory. That’s one of our tenets of philosophy at AMERICA COMPANY: Self-explanatorianism. We don’t want you to have to think about our products when you use them.
Life should be easy.
Like your mom.