Blah. Long day.

Just got off the phone with the AOL fraud division regarding the classy bastard who stole my credit card number.

Apparently, the fraud division is a snippy person who doesn't want to answer any questions such as, "Why does AOL make it so easy on credit card thieves?"

I asked how much I had been billed for the accounts, and was told that I would have to go over my credit card statements "very closely" in order to determine that.

With a touch of a button, they ought to be able to produce this information. I mentioned this.

"Well, sir, we only store that information for 90 days," said the AOL fraud division.

"But you just told me that the account was created on March 23rd," responded the victim.

"So I did, sir. I'm sorry sir, but you will just have to read your statements to get that information."

"But you have it sitting right in front of you."

"No, sir. We only keep that information for 90 days."

Argh. I could hear her holding her hands up and nodding at the phone. I hate it when I can sense that people are gesticulating at the phone as though I'm some sort of a lunatic. These are the same people who nod at the drive-through speaker.

"YYYEEEESSSSS," they say while rocking their limp skulls back and forth on their pasty necks. "I WOULD LIKE FRIES WITH THAT."

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I also wound up having this illuminating conversation with the fraud squad (I'm not even kidding - this is pretty much the real exchange):

Me: So, this guy had to have my billing address in order to sign up using my credit card, right?

AOL: No, sir. He didn't.

Me: He didn't have to have my address? How do you verify the purchase?

AOL: What do you mean sir?

Me: I mean that, if you don't look for my address, then he could just stick the numbers in without any further information, and you'd just say, "OK."

AOL: Impossible, sir. We require the billing address to complete the transaction.

Me: But you just said you didn't!

AOL: Didn't what, sir?

Me: Need my billing address.

AOL: Sorry, sir, but I can't answer that question. Only the merchant can tell you that.

Me: Who's the merchant, then?

AOL: We are, sir.

Me: OK, then do you need the billing address to authorize the transaction?

AOL: No, sir.

Me: Then you just authorize payments based on the credit card number alone?

AOL: That is a question you would have to ask the merchant, sir.

Me: But you just said that you're the merchant!

AOL: You're breaking up, sir.

Me: It's crystal-clear on my end.

AOL: Sir? Are you still there sir?

Me: Yes. I'm here.

Me: Hello?

Me: Hello?

And so it was over.

It didn't occur to me until getting off the phone that AOL has people like this in the fraud department simply because AOL makes money on each fraudulent purchase. If I were actually provided with the sort of information that I could use to protect myself, then AOL would have a harder time getting my business.

Bastards.