[Note: This post is right out of left field. It snowed today, and I got stuck at home. In my boredom, I just started writing - no real plan or direction. This is some pretty flow-of-consciousness stuff. I don't know if it has a point or not, but some parts are at least mildly entertaining. You've been warned.]
Although most of you know him as one of the foremost thinkers to have lived in our time, there's a little known fact about the man that has escaped public eye for decades.
Aside from being a genius in the field of theoretical physics, Dr. Stephen Hawking, the man selected to hold the post of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University (a position also held by Isaac Newton), also happens to be a very active chupacabra enthusiast.
Before donning his university gown and engaging in the groundbreaking work for which he would later become famous, Dr. Hawking was first head of the "Paranormal Studies" department at Oklahoma City Community College.
During his time at the community college, Dr. Hawking was well respected by his colleagues for his extensive knowledge in various esoteric paranormal topics, but was most well known for his passion for the chupacabra.
The chupacabra is a creature shrouded in mystery. Having first entered the public eye in the mid 1970s following a string of high-profile goat murders in Puerto Rico, the small beast rose to a level of notoriety previously known only to the more traditional mythic creatures such as the yeti and Loch-Ness Monster.
It was very fortunate, then, that I was able to secure this interview with a man who has dedicated so many of his years to study of the misunderstood phenomenon that has taken the world by storm.
What follows is the transcript of a radio interview that I conducted with Dr. Stephen Hawking on the evening of December 27, 2003.
R: Welcome, Stephen. I'm so glad you could make it to the show.
S: Thank you, Rory. It's good to be here. Great to be here. Oregon is a beautiful state, and it's wonderful to have had the opportunity to come see it.
R: It's good to hear you're enjoying your stay. While you're here, make sure to take a drive through the Columbia George. You won't believe your eyes.
S: Pretty nice?
R: Stephen, it is gorgeous. And, although we aren't famous for it, Oregon has a beautiful, picturesque coastline that is a must-see.
S: I'll have to look into that.
R: You really do, Steve. You really do.
[Stephen laughs]
R: But, that isn't why you're here today, is it? No - You're here to talk to us about the chupacabra.
S: Ah, yes.
R: So, what do you say we just jump right in? Some of our listeners probably don't know what the chupacabra is. Would you care to explain it a little? Give a little background?
S: I'd love to. Physics pays the bills, but the chupacabra is my life, and I'd be delighted to tell everybody about the curious creature. Basically, the chupacabra is a small paranormal creature known for its bloodlust. We first heard about chupacabras as the result of mass farm animal deaths in Puerto Rico in 1975. Farmers were waking to find entire herds of their animals slaughtered with no further explanation than a pair of bite marks in the animals' necks. The animals typically appeared to be completely drained of blood and dehydrated - like giant fur-covered raisins. Sometimes, their internal organs were missing, and there were even cases when various animals' eyes had been sucked right out of their sockets. People talked, and there were widespread rumors that the deaths were due to vampires, aliens, and other strange phenomena [laughs]. That was a long time ago, and we're much wiser now. After bounteous research and thousands of eyewitness reports, we know quite well that the deaths were not due to anything so silly as aliens or vampires, bur actually to a three-foot tall ghoulish creature with red eyes, bat-like wings, porcupine-like spines on its back, and an upright bipedal stance like humans. The old, silly stories of vampires and aliens are all but forgotten. Fortunately, what we have now is the truth.
R: Uh-huh. I see. So, I understand that the name "chupacabra" has a special meaning. Would you mind explaining it to our listeners?
S: Of course. Of the first animals whose lives were taken at the hands of this merciless creature, the majority were goats. Although there was debate over the nature of the creature in question, the fact that it seemed to have a taste for blood, and specifically for the blood of goats, led to its christening as the "chupacabra" which literally means "goat sucker." The creature had to be given a name for practical reasons, and the name stuck. To this day, even though many different types of animals have been killed by the chupacabra, we still call it "the goat sucker," or "el chupacabra."
R: Very enlightening. Now that we know what a chupacabra is, why don't you tell us a little bit about your involvement with it. What drove you to want to learn so much about the chupacabra?
S: Good question. I can't remember a time in the past twenty-eight years when I wasn't completely captivated with the thought of the chupacabra. When the reports first started coming in from Puerto Rico, I knew that something very big was happening down there. I was already familiar with other aspects of the paranormal: Phantasms, possessions, unidentified flying objects, ESP, and so on, but they didn't interest me. They were the stuff of stories told to scare small children. They lacked substance. I suppose it must have been the richness of the stories of the chupacabra that really drew me in. The people whose lives were affected by the creature were so convinced and so earnest that I felt compelled to believe them. I had to ask myself why anybody would make such stories up. I can understand that a farmer in middle America might spin a yarn about traveling in a UFO in order to get some free publicity for his farm, but what about the good people of Puerto Rico? What was their motivation? Obviously, there was something behind the stories. Being a scientist by nature and by training, I was drawn to the stories of the chupacabra because I knew that I could help. What we had at first, although certainly very convincing, was nothing but anecdotal evidence. We needed something stronger, which meant research, and that's where I came in.
R: So your contribution to the corpus of chupacabra work has been the tempered mind of a scientist, then?
S: Well, that certainly glorifies my position a little bit, but yes. That's essentially it.
R: That's very interesting. As a scientist, haven't you encountered some opposition from your colleagues? Aren't there a few who might think that you've crossed the threshold from being merely eccentric to being, if you'll forgive me, a little mad?
S: Mad? Why should anybody think that? The pursuit of knowledge regarding the chupacabra is a scientific endeavor in every way. The collection of evidence, the formation and testing of hypotheses, as well as the recreation of those tests by my peers - this is the stuff of science. We aren't charlatans. We take ourselves very seriously and do everything we can to ensure that the research and findings are reputable and will hold up in the face of scrutiny.
R: It sounds like you have a very healthy outlook on your research. I have to be honest, though - you seem to be a very well-meaning person, and I don't want you to get the wrong impression, but it seems to me that some of the work being done might not be as reputable as you claim.
S: What do you mean by that?
R: Well, I am an investigative journalist, and it's my job to scratch away at the surface until what's underneath is revealed. Negotiations for this interview were, as you might be aware, quite lengthy, and I had a lot of time to prepare for this day. While researching your part in the chupacabra phenomenon, I came across some startling evidence of your involvement with some organizations that might point to a conflict of interest on your part.
S: [laughs] I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about.
R: Dr. Hawking, you obviously seem believe that the chupacabra is real, and that the stories behind it are good solid evidence of its existence. Would you deny this?
S: Of course not. I know more about the chupacabra than any other living person, and I can say without hesitation that it is real. I've done the research. I've gone out in the field and interviewed the people who have had first-hand experiences with the chupacabra. I've done the work. The conclusions I've drawn are as informed as they could possibly be, and they all point to one thing, which is that the chupacabra is not just the stuff of nightmares. It's out there, now, taking down another victim as we speak. It isn't something to be taken lightly, and I hope that you have some weight to throw behind these ridiculous and vague accusations.
R: I do, Dr. Hawking. I do. As you can see, my assistant is entering the studio, and has with her a box of items. Can you venture a guess as to what might be in that box, Dr. Hawking?
S: I can't even see it. How could I possibly know what's in the box if the contents aren't even visible to me? If you could have her bring the box over here, then I might be able to take a look. Otherwise, no, I don't have any idea as to what might be in the box.
R: No idea at all, eh? Well, let's take a look. I'll just remove the lid, and - ah - what do we have here?
S: What are you pulling out of there? What is that?
R: This, Dr. Hawking, is just one of the many items in the box. Here - take a look for yourself.
S: What is this? Where did you get this?
R: You deny that you know what it is?
S: I've never seen it before in my life. I have no idea what it is.
R: Why don't you read the label to the audience - I'm sure that they're all dying to know by now what it is that you're holding. Go ahead - I'll just unload the rest of the box while you talk.
S: I'm not going to read this! I didn't come on this program to play games with you. I don't know what this is, and I don't know where you got it, but I am certainly not going to read the label to your listeners, nor am I going to give this thing back. This is very low. Do you treat all of your guests like this?
R: You're not going to give it back?
S: Positively not.
R: That's fine. I've got another one right here. Let's see...
S: Look - can we just get back to the interview? Nobody wants to hear about your little box of trinkets over there. I believe we were just discussing the scientific integrity of my work, and I would like to finish what I was saying.
R: We're still discussing your integrity, Steve-o. I think I'm just going to go on ahead and read the label on this canister to the listeners. We've made them wait long enough, don't you think?
S: This is preposterous. I really can't believe you're doing this.
R: OK - sounds like you're ready. Here goes: "Dr. H's Scientifically Proven Magic Chupacabra and Athlete's Foot Repellent Spray." Would you care to comment on that, Dr. H?
S: Like I said, I have no idea what this is or where you got it, and I would really prefer it if we just got back to the topic. I don't understand why we have to waste the listeners' time with this rot.
R: I'll just continue reading the label then, if you don't mind: "Invented, endorsed, and used by world-renown scientist and chupacabra expert, Dr. Stephen Hawking, this magic anti-chupacabra and athlete's foot spray is guaranteed to give you the maximum protection your body needs, whether against the stalking goat-sucking demon of the night, or the tiny fungal microbes that cause discomfort and itching in the pubic region around the clock. With millions sold, Dr. H's scientifically proven magic anti-chupacabra and athlete's foot spray is the best selling anti-chupacabra and athlete's foot spray in the world. Our first line of defense is quality, and you will really feel the difference when you wake up and you aren't dead in a field somewhere." Are you telling me that you've never heard of this stuff? I mean, there's a picture of you right on the canister. You're smiling and applying some of the spray to your underarm. The likeness is unmistakable. That's you, Dr. H.
S: OK, fine. So I have a little business on the side that deals in reputable anti-chupacabra products. Big deal. It isn't illegal to have a business, is it?
R: Not illegal, Stephen. Just a little suspicious. That's all.
S: What's suspicious about it? It's all high-quality stuff. When you pay top dollar for my anti-chupacabra line of products, you're getting your money's worth. Where's the shame in that? I'm just trying to help a few people out while making a couple bucks for myself. I'm a university staff member, you know. Do you have any idea what they pay us? It's peanuts, Rory. It's not enough to live on. My Dr. H's line of products is just a way for me to make ends meet. You're not going to sit there and tell me that it's a bad thing that I want to put food on the table, are you?
R: I don't think it's a bad thing to run a business, no, but I do think that there might be a slight problem of integrity here. I mean, it looks to me like you've taken your reputation as a respected chupacabra researcher and gambled it against this company of yours in the hope that your endorsement of what is most likely a non-existent and totally made-up creature will result in strong sales and an income that will dwarf whatever it is that you're making up at Cambridge right now. It's unethical. You're making outlandish claims and duping well-intentioned people out of their money. This is snake oil you're selling, and you're using your widely recognized authority in the field to push it.
S: Now just hold it right there. I haven't made any outlandish claims. I haven't said anything that isn't true. My anti-chupacabra and athlete's food spray is the leading anti-chupacabra and athlete's food spray on the market right now. You show me another company that's beating us in sales of anti-chupacabra and athlete's foot spray, and I'll show you a liar. We're on top of the market right now, and that's not just a claim - that's a fact.
R: Well, what about this - I'm reading the "suggested use" information on the canister here, and I'm having a hard time believing what I'm seeing: "Apply a liberal amount of Dr. H's anti-chupacabra and athlete's foot spray to the areas of your body that you would like to protect or that are itching, and let dry. Add a second coat of Dr. H's spray to protect against Michael Jackson." What is that supposed to mean: "to protect against Michael Jackson" - how do you even test something like that? Don't tell me that this isn't a dubious claim.
S: Do you have any proof that two coats of my magic anti-chupacabra and athlete's foot spray won't keep Michael Jackson away?
R: Moving right along, here's another bit that I found really interesting: "20% of all proceeds from sales of Dr. H's Scientifically Proven Magic Chupacabra and Athlete's Foot Repellent Spray go directly to charity."
S: See? Here you were, attacking me, making me out to look like a sinister and greedy man, when in fact it's shown that I'm running a company that is out there helping people. Are you donating to charity, Rory? What are you doing to help the community? Where is your charitable donation? I'm obviously doing my part. Now I think everybody would like to know what you're doing to help.
R: What charities are benefiting from the donations, Steve? I already know, but I think you ought to tell the listeners where this "donation" is going.
S: Well, to chupacabra research, of course. Nothing wrong with that.
R: To which research facility, Stephen?
S: I don't know that off the top of my head. I'd have to get in touch with one of my business associates to figure that out. I work in the lab on the product itself. The marketing, packaging, etc. is left to other people. As such, I'm afraid I can't be much help here.
R: Don't want to say, eh? I don't blame you. For your information, it's called the "International Institute of Chupacabra Prevention and Defense." Sound familiar?
S: Oh, I've probably heard about it, but I'm involved with so many things right now that it's hard for me to keep it all straight...
R: That's interesting, given that you're listed as being on the board of directors for the institute. I find it a bit hard to swallow that you could possibly be so involved with this organization yet claim to not even know about it.
S: Am I on trial for my memory now? Get off my back, Rory. Some people forget to turn the iron off, while others forget that they help run major research institutions. We're all human and fallible. I don't see what the big deal is.
R: Speaking of major research institutions, have you actually visited the International Institute of Chupacabra Prevention and Defense recently?
S: Of course I have. How could I possibly further research without going to the facility? What are you getting at? I'm quickly tiring of this game you're playing.
R: Where is the facility, Dr. Hawking? I don't think you couldn't even find it on a map. I'll bet you don't even know what country it's in.
S: Preposterous. I know what country it's in - I go there all the time.
R: What country, Dr. Hawking? Where is the facility located?
S: I'd like to tell you, but we keep the location secret in the interest of security. Many of our competitors would go to great lengths to discover where the most advanced chupacabra defense research lab on the planet is.
R: Likely story. I think you'd just rather not talk about the facility, which is hardly a surprise. I've been there. I've seen it with my own eyes.
S: Oh, please. How could you possibly know where the installation is?
R: I've been there - found the address on the facility's web site. I wanted to interview some of the staff, and must say that I was rather surprised.
S: Surprised by what?
R: Stephen - The building is nonexistent. It isn't even there.
S: Poppycock!
R: "Poppycock," my ass! It was a dusty old Heilite trailer left in the small town of San Felipe on the east coast of Baja California. Not exactly what I have in mind when I think of a research facility.
S: That's it. I've had enough - I'm leaving.
R: Yeah? Good. Get off of my show, you big phony.
S: I will!
R: Oh, yeah?!
S: Yeah!
R: Well, go then!
S: I'm going!
R: Good!
S: Good!
R: So get out!
S: I'm gone!
R: Good!
S: Good!
With that, Stephen left the building. I chucked the canister of his anti-chupacabra and athlete's foot spray at him, but missed, instead leaving a dent in the wall. I should probably learn to keep my anger in check, but it frustrates me to no end that just because you're one of the most important people in the world, you think you can just go ahead and deceive the public into buying your bogus product.
The rest of the night passed much more quietly. That's what I get for having a jerk like that on the show.