It's Friday, and I'm a little sore from the XAML flamewar that took up the past couple days, so I thought I'd drop another installation of "Google Weirdos" on you.
I'm learning that google searches can be pretty easily categorized:
1. People asking google for advice
2. People asking google for general info
3. People asking google for [insert messed-up sexual practice here]
4. People asking google for something related to Natalie Portman
5. People "admitting" things to google
6. People using google to declare that they think one of their friends might be gay
There might be more, but I think I've pretty well nailed-down the top six uses for google.
And here comes the evidence, taken directly from my own logs...
Search: "what makes you say ouch"
Probably the guy standing behind you with the cattle prod.
Search: "if you want to buy me flowers"
Nope.
Search: "undies"
Overies!
Search: "steps to make a macaw pinata"
I don't know if that's a good idea - I'd recommend just using paper mache. Pulverized macaw can stain.
Search: "careers in calculus"
1. Gas pumper
2. Gas pumper
3. Gas pumper
Search: "i scream you scream we all scream for ice cream lyrics"
You obviously already bloody-well know them. WTF?
Search: "porn my -cam -cams -free -camera -cameras"
Can keyboards have a stutter?
Search: "if you want to buy me"
I actually want to lease you with the *option* to buy.
Search: "natalie portman views on muslims"
Natalie Portman: Expert authority on Islam.
Search: "i love to drink my girlfriend's breast milk"
Why do people treat google like a confessional booth?
Search: "how to make porn"
Is it *that* complicated?
Get some water and some flour, mix it in a bowl until smooth. Pre-heat your oven to 300 degrees...
Search: "why do people go bald?"
Because their hair falls out.
Search: "legal implications of cloning mac interface on pc sue"
GO GO GADGET LEGAL ADVICE!
Search: "quit being a pussy beat your kid"
Someday, my friend, your kid is going to be bigger than you, have more friends, and then f*ck you up.
Search: "obese men sitting on friends"
I kind of want this now, too.
Search: "girlfriend thinks i'm gay"
Stop kissing the boys, and she might change her tune.
Search: "god of sex"
You came to the right place.
Search: "females lifting and carrying guys"
Stick 'em right over there, ma'am. Thanks.
Search: "stepped in dog poop"
So you walked through your house and over to your computer, probably getting it all over the carpet just so you could tell google about it?
Was it worth it?
Search: "house turning into an alien"
The game you're looking for is called "DarkSeed".
Search: "cost of drinking pepsi"
1000 gold Krugerands and a contract, scrawled in your own blood, signing away your right to your soul in the afterlife.
WTF? C'mon, man! The answer is "about 95 cents." Not that hard!
Search: "how to do a donkey pinata"
Well, first you tell the donkey pinata that she is looking lovely tonight, and then you...
Search: "female squirting"
No comment. I don't even want to know.
Search: "straight guys gay sex"
Then they aren't straight!
Search: "i totally think he is gay..."
Me too!
Search: "my teeth are rotting from the inside out"
How do you know that? (think about it)
Search: "braun ring around her mouth rape girl"
Ick. Ick, ick, ick, and BAD.
Search: "how to deal with computer nerds"
Give them money. Money, love, and power. That's how I think you should deal with "them."
Search: "monkey fortress"
Funny on its own. I don't know what a "monkey fortress" is, but I want one.
Search: "seconds into microseconds"
DIVIDE BY ONE-TRILLION-ZILLION - That's the seconds -> microseconds conversion *I* use.
Search: "passed out shaved his"
Don't keep us in suspense - Finish yer damn sentence already!
Search: "getting pooped on dream"
What I want to know is why this person didn't search for "getting pooped on *nightmare*".
On second though, maybe I don't want to know...
Search: "how to pleasure my own ass"
If you have to ask google about this, then maybe you and your own ass have grown distant.
Try taking your own ass on a short romantic holiday to rekindle the spark that has since guttered and nearly died - fan the flame of passion. When the time is right, I think that you will find your own ass to be more receptive, and this will allow you to begin a dialog with it. This will be your time to strike - don't even ask your own ass how it would like to be pleasured - just take it in the moment that the love thermometer is about to burst - the way you used to take your own ass in the old days when you were young pups rolling in the hay.