Dear neighbor,

Your dog is completely insane, and I can't figure out what it is that makes you think that you're qualified to be a dog owner.

You always leave it outside, it always barks, and you never do anything about it. I'm sure that you're busy - lord knows we all are - and that you don't want to get up from watching "The Wheel" long enough to do anything about it, and that your wife is occupied with smoking spliffs and drinking JD while pregnant, but you really need to take a long, hard look at your white trash lifestyle and own up to the fact that a dog is a responsibility - you don't play with it, you don't feed it regularly, you never trained it to fetch your beer like you always wanted, and now you're going to have to do something about it.

To give you a little bit of perspective, take a look at the following images. The image on the left is what a normal dog is like, while the image on the right is a realistic representation of your whacked-out terror-creature:

I swear. It's loud enough that your dog's barking isn't just disturbing me and the rest of the neighbors, but that the barks are actually leaving the atmosphere and going on an interplanetary journey of discovery, eventually arriving on the red planet and confusing the hell out of one of our poor little rovers out there:

Then, of course, the barks are ricocheting off of Mars and heading back to earth, at which time they'll get picked up by SETI equipment, stuffed into neat little data packets, and transported off into the wild where they'll eventually be decoded by a Unix sys admin running SETI@Home who constantly mistakes himself for a physicist and part-time xenobiologist:

NASA will be happy about the news and announce it at a press conference, after which the agency will be flooded with funding. Space nerds all over the planet will rejoice:

Finally, the funding will be used to bolster the agency's projects, and rescue others from certain doom.

Congratulations, you dog-abusing white trash piece of Schlitz-sucking garbage: You just saved the Hubble telescope.

I still wish your dog would shut up, though...