Hollywood aliens are weird.

I would venture a guess that over 90% of them are upright, bipedal creatures with two arms, two eyes, a nose, and a mouth.

In that sense, they're actually very normal. But that's the weird part.

They're aliens, right? So why do they always look human? Or mostly human? Or half human?

The only difference between a Hollywood alien and a human is typically some stupid superficial quality. Maybe the "alien" has brown blood. Maybe it has eyes in it armpits. Maybe it likes to eat flowers. Whatever.

Point being, it's sometimes hard to tell who the aliens are, and who the humans are. Since I like to take up other people's causes and make them my own, I decided to put together a small guide to some of the more popular aliens and how to tell them apart from humans. It shows a picture of the alien, describes the alien a bit, and then describes the features that make it an alien rather than a human.

I'm hoping that we'll all be a little less confused because of it.

Romulans are a Star Trek staple. No matter how far out into the unknown vastness the Star Trek crew heads, they're always encountering these things.

They're feisty little bastards (I think - I'm just making this up - I've only watched the show about nine times, with only three of those times having been on purpose - but they sure do look mean, so I figure I'm probably right).

Romulans are really tough to pick out from the humans. Basically, they all look like transvestite geishas wearing silver solar panels, and that could be anybody on television today.

To accurately identify a Romulan, look for the combination of:

1. A hairdo that looks like a very shortly-cropped pageboy

2. Forehead implants (Note: I think these might be birth control)

3. Dork Ears

4. A reflective kimono

In fact, Romulans are so hard to identify that I'm willing to bet you can't tell if the following person is a Romulan being attacked by a microphone or an ugly Japanese girl doing Karaoke:

If you guessed "both," then give yourself an extra 10 points.

As long as we're talking Star Trek, the Vulcan deserves a serious mention.

Vulcans, like Romulans, are hard to pick out from a crowd. They have Dork Ears like Romulans, but they don't have birth control in their foreheads, so you lose a major identifying characteristic. All is not lost, however.

You can identify a Vulcan by the following criteria:

1. Dork Ears - Dork Ears and Vulcans go wayyyyy back

2. Green blood - Although you won't always get a chance to see it, Vulcans bleed green blood. Isn't that crazy? The diversity of life in the universe sometimes astounds me. Green blood... dang!

3. Constipation - Vulcans always look, and act, constipated. They don't smile, and they always seem to be concentrating. If they're so damned logical (as they're portrayed to be in the show), then they should put two and two together and get some freaking Metamucil, but who am I to judge...

The Star Wars stories are made up entirely of two-dimensional characters held together by plot lines as thin as dental floss and special effects that didn't suck until the new movies came out.

Yoda plays the part in the series of the wise old sage. He's sort of like a cross between Mr. Miyagi from "The Karate Kid," Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings," and Danny DeVito.

He isn't nearly as tough to pick out from a crowd as Romulans and Vulcans, but he still poses a minor problem. Although you and I, two grown adults, know damn well that he's a muppet, your child might confuse him for a small, green, upright sloth that's wearing a very dirty bathrobe and is unusually perceptive.

That's not good.

1. Dork Ears - I'm seeing a pattern here

2. Green skin - Although there are various diseases and conditions in humans which can cause green skin, I think we're safe using this as a defining characteristic

3. Lives on an alien planet - DUH

While we're on the Star Wars bandwagon, let's talk about one of the pathetic creatures introduced in the recent bastard "Star Wars" trilogy that robbed me of my childhood: Jar-Jar Binks.

Jar-Jar has two legs, two-arms, two eyes, two nostrils, and a mouth, but as we shall soon see, he's definitely an alien - don't be confused by this one.

1. No human is this !@#$ retarded

2. I've never wanted to kill a human

3. I'd like to tie his CG tongue to a rocket and blast his idiot ass to the moon (this isn't an identifier - it's just something I want to do)

4. God, I hate this stupid bastard

"V" was a show that was extremely popular during the 80s. All my friends were into it. It was supposed to be about some big alien invasion.

Or something.

I tuned in once to figure out why people were so into it, and walked away... confused. The "aliens" were just humans wearing red uniforms. I couldn't figure it out. Needless to say, I got bored and never watched another episode.

1. Beats the hell out of me - the guy in the image above looks like he might be in the marketing department of [insert your company here] - nothing weird about him at all, except that I wouldn't be caught dead in public with that haircut

2. The uniforms? I really don't know - somebody help me out here...

This is the guy who shows up in the beginning of "Return of the Jedi" and says, "Day-wunna-wunga."

Yup. That's about it. Aside from that, nobody gives a sh*t about him.

By the way - when looking for an image of him, I found this photo of a really cute dog:

1. How, indeed. With those bloodshot eyeballs, you might just mistake him for a commonplace stoner, but then...

2. You might also notice his teeth, which indicate that he's probably not on Jabba's company medical plan, but that's still not that unusual for a human...

2. The more perceptive among you will notice that this guy keeps his intestines wrapped around his head and neck - that's the giveaway we're looking for - also of note is the pair of very small breasts that seems to be growing out of his forehead

I have other things to do, you know.