I got a copy of my work schedule for the next year, and it looks like I'm going to be making a trip to Alaska. I'm pumped about that because Alaska's one of those states I've never been to.

I got to wondering tonight about why that is. It's part of the United States after all, so you'd think I would have at least driven through it on my way to someplace else, and that's when it hit me - the reason I've never been to Alaska is that it's far away.

And do you know why that is? Because I can tell you if you don't know, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Alaska is far away from the rest of the United States because Canada's in the way. That's why. Just take a look at this map which proves it:

What I propose, then, is that we 'Mericans ask the Canadians to move their little country over so that we can attach an outboard motor to Alaska and then steer it down south so that it can be with the rest of the states. I figure we can just stick it on top of Washington like this:

The only problem with this scenario is that Canada would have to move to the right, and there's a possibility that it would run into Greenland. This means that Greenland will get involved and rub its nose in world affairs (like always - is anybody else besides me sick and tired of the way Greenland is always bossing all the other countries around?). Since it seems unfair to me to block world progress just for the thirty or so people who live in Greenland, my idea is to build an airtight plastic dome over Greenland and then sink it into the Atlantic Ocean, thereby making room for Canada to shift to the right a few thousand miles (or "kilometers" as they like to say up north (kilometers are just like miles except that they're smaller - Canadians invented a whole system of smaller measuring units than the ones 'Mericans use because Canadian private parts are too small to be measured with our BIG AMERICAN INCHES)).

That, I feel, is part of the true genius of my plan. Not only will we Americans finally be able to enjoy free access to our 49th state without getting hassled by the overzealous Canadian Armed Forces at the border, but meddling Greenland will finally be put in its place, thus restoring America to her former position as the most powerful country in the universe.

I bet you think I'm done. Well, pal, I've hardly begun this game of geographical hot potato.

Thinking about the 49th state got me thinking about America's 50th state: Hawaii. Although Hawaii and my home state (Oregon) have a lot in common, there are a couple of small details that set the two states apart. The first detail is the weather, and the second detail is everything else.

The main advantage of living in Hawaii as opposed to Oregon is that Hawaii isn't cold and depressing. So, as long as we're moving things around, I thought it'd be nifty to slide the whole USA over a couple time zones and get ourselves easy access to Hawaii.

Of course, you can't have all this goodness without running into some problems, and I think there's a possibility of Canada and Mexico seeing the geographical gap previously filled by the US and taking advantage of it, forming a new superpower named either "Camexico" or "Manada" - I'm not going to decide for them (unless they invite me to come be king of the new country, in which case I'll not only decide on a name for them, but I'll also find a way to funnel government funds into my own offshore bank accounts).

When all is said and done, the picture of the world as seen through my visionary eyes would be something like this:

And this is the world we would be living in sometime soon if rationality and reason were the weapons wielded by the world's politicians. Unfortunately, however, this dream world will probably never be. Voices like mine, although strong, are nevertheless lost among a cacophonous sea of lunatic ravings sounding from all corners of the globe - worldwide, politicians are making decisions with all the brilliance of a few drops of dribble slowly making their way down the chin of an incoherent mumbling madman.

Which means I should probably just get used to the fact that my plane ride to Alaska is going to be longer than I want it to be.

I'm still excited to go, though.