Thing one

Don't buy a grammar-for-writers book unless you're ready to accept the fact that you don't know how to write in your native language without constantly making third grade errors.

I'm ready to accept this fact, but, let me tell you, it sucks.

If you want to make the other passengers on an airplane nervous, then just start laughing uncontrollably when the airline attendant comes to the part about "...in the event of a water landing..."

If you don't want to make the other passengers nervous, then just sit down, face forward, and keep your damn mouth shut until they come by to give you your stupid little bag of honey-roasted cocktail party snacks (may contain peanut traces). Nobody wanted to listen to you challenge the status-quo, anyway.

My favorite type of person on the whole Earth is the type of person who, upon pulling up in the driveway, calls his/her significant other on the cell phone to say something like, "I'm just pulling into the driveway now."

I wonder if these people also call their friends to remind them that the sky's blue.