I just got back from a visit to a local pizzeria. I'm known to frequent the place, and the staff has a pretty good idea of what I'm going to get.

Today, though, they made a mistake. The guy taking my order looked at me and asked, "You want that with pepperoni, right?"

It was an honest mistake. He didn't mean any offense, but it really took me by surprise, as I would never, ever order pepperoni on a pizza (or on anything at all, for that matter)..

"NO WAY!" I yelled, in a fashion which was, perhaps, a little too spirited.

Several people stopped eating, the music cut out, and one guy jumped into a basket to hide. It looked like there was going to be trouble. If Clint Eastwood had walked into an old west saloon and been offered pepperoni on his pizza, then this is very much the sort of scene we would have expected to see.

"I just don't like it," I said in soothing tones. Everything went back to normal.

"Why?" asked the guy behind the counter.

"Because you can make anything look like pepperoni," I said, obviously a paranoid freak.

"That's true, but, I assure you, we use only the finest pepperoni here."

Wait a minute, I thought to myself. The "finest pepperoni?"

There was something strange about that phrase... I continued thinking to myself:

And this is the truth. It doesn't matter how "fine" your pepperoni is - It's still just ground up pig faces and lower intestines. That's gross.

It makes me wonder, though, if there is such a thing as the "finest" pepperoni. "Finest" pepperoni implies that there is such a thing as "finest" pig anus. And, in order for any of this stuff to be called the "finest," then there must be somebody judging it, and that implies a pig anus judge.

Think about it. It's horrible. Your job might suck, but at least you aren't a pig anus judge.

I mean, think about the things people would say about you...

"What does he know? He's just a pig anus judge."

"Oh, great. Here comes Brian, the pig anus judge."

"Hey, Will! Seen any nice pig anus, lately?"

It's embarrassing.

Whoever these people are (bless their little souls (if you're into that sort of thing (I'm not, but it's nice to say it))), do you realize what each of them has to do each year?

Well, I'll tell you: Fill out an income tax form, writing the words "Pig anus judge" in the "occupation" field.

You know what else? The existence of pig anus judges implies the existence of a whole pig anus judge support infrastructure.

Do you know what that means? Do you have any idea? I'm freaking out just thinking about it.

It means that these people have conventions. A few times a year, all the pig anus judges get together to discuss advances in the field of pig anus judgment.

What kind of tools do they have? Do they start out by judging little plastic molds of pig anuses before moving up to the real thing? Do they have catchy titles like, "Captain of the Pig Anus Judgment Committee?"

Plus, how does one even know that he/she is qualified to pass judgment on a pig anus? Is there some big secret school for would-be pig anus judges out there somewhere? Could I have majored in this in college?

And, how do they actually rate pig anuses? Do they use words like "aroma" and "bouquet?" Do they converse at length about the "warm, subtle tones" of freshly plucked anus, and the "daring, heady kick" of a nice aged one?

I just don't know. I don't even know where to find out more.

It's a great big crazy world out there, and it just got a little bigger for me today.

Wow. Pig anus judges. I never would have thought...