I'd like to say happy birthday to me mum.

If I know her well, and I think I do, she's probably walking around right now, grumbling about how this is the "worst birthday ever." Every year since I've been five, she's had the "worst birthday ever."

So, mum, here's looking at another "worst birthday ever!" May it be the worst. Ever.

But, really. Happy birthday. Sorry I can't be there, but I seem to have moved to Connecticut.