With this post and the one from Independence Day, I’m guessing that a few people are going to think I’m being a little hard on the ol’ United States of ‘Merica (side note: does anybody else think it’s interesting that we more commonly refer to the holiday as “The Fourth of July” or simply “The Fourth” rather than “Independence Day”? Almost as though what’s really important is the ordinal number four).

But I’m not. I really do love this country. We’ve got it pretty good here. Sure, school is expensive, medical services aren’t cheap, and we let crazy hoo-ha’s run around the country with concealed weapons, but we also have Walmart where I can buy a three gallon jug of mayonnaise for less than five bucks. Try to complain about that, commie un-‘Merican slime.

Anyway, at the top of my gripe list today is The Road. While the U.S. certainly doesn’t have the worst drivers in the universe on its highways, I do think we have one hell of a silly licensing process. It’s a lot like the business programs at many state universities in that it’s meant to churn out a high quantity of unqualified graduates. Getting your license in the states is about a three minute affair, and it shows.

The reason I’m all huffy and puffy about this right now is that I went to a Portland suburb today for a Code Camp planning meeting, and the drive home took about five times longer than it should have. And why?

I don’t have a definitive answer. I wish I did. As far as I can tell it’s because:

– There isn’t a single Oregon-born driver who knows how to merge (although the Californians on our roads do just fine [golf clap for the Californians])

– Oregonian freeway traffic will slow to a crawl because of accidents on the other side of the road

– We live in one of the only states in the union where drivers consistently drive ten miles an hour below the posted speed limit (God forbid any of us should try to take advantage of our freedom to drive above forty miles per hour)

– The left lane, as we all know, is for traveling at exactly the same speed as the cars in the middle and right lanes (this, by the way, is extremely useful for the public service of holding up miles and miles of other vehicles)

– Etc.

We’re bad. Really, really bad.

I wanted to stop in the middle of the road today to halt traffic (in Oregon, this would also stop traffic on the other side of the road) and spank everybody. Not in that “Oh, this is really naughty and saucy” kind of way, but in the “You’ve been a bad driver” vein of spanking.

Truth is, though, I don’t know who’s to blame. Is it the drivers or is it the fact that to get a drivers license, you only need to read an informational pamphlet and then answer about three questions correctly out of fifty on a simple test?

Yeah. I know I could be nicer, but I’m not.

I just think that we ought to hold ourselves to slightly higher standards in this country.

The rules laid out in the Oregon Drivers Manual are actually perfectly good. If drivers followed the rules accordingly, I’d bet we could reduce traffic jams to something close to zero. However, that’d just be too bloody hard, wouldn’t it?

It could also just be me. Maybe it’s not normal for humans to get upset about people not contributing to the common good by adopting practices which make it easier for everybody to get to where they need to go.