[Note: I’m off in Colorado this week confusing attendees at my events about Microsoft technologies, but I volunteered my co-author to step in and write a post for me while I was out of town. He agreed (since he had to – I threatened to withhold sandwich payment if he refused), and the result is what follows. It may not be War and Peace, but hey – it’s something. Emphasis on “something.” It’s a review of Stargate SG-1, which Dave had never seen. I figured that if Dave and I are going to work together, then he’s damn well going to have to learn about teh SG-1 because it’s the only friend I have left in the world. I also thought that having something in common with each other would remedy the awkward silences we have during our “business lunches.” Now we can talk about Jaffa, symbiotes, and how hot Samantha Carter is, even into her 40’s. God, I’d like to get on that. Anyway. Read on, mes amis. Read on…]

[Note #2: Check out Dave’s first Stargate image below. Look at the gate itself. It’s, like, the most awesomest thing ever (the lady who’s hot tubbing in it at the top). That’s why I hired Dave. Because he’s a genius. And because he works for sandwiches.]

Hi, everyone. This is Dave. Not Rory, but Dave.

Bear with me.

Regular readers of this site may recall Rory's post from a few weeks back, the one where he described the beyond top secret new Internet Business Venture he's been developing in his spare time. The one he’s continuing to develop, even as I type this. He hinted at the possible involvement of verbs, grammar, keyboards, routers, etc, all with his usual tantalizing vagueness. I'm his partner in the thing, and even I was surprised at how great it all sounded. Seriously. My only beef is that we can’t have our IPO tomorrow, but that’s just because I want everybody else who reads this site to get as whiplash rich as Rory and I are about to once this thing goes live.

Anyways, while Rory's off protecting the world from open source developers and bug-free software, I remain here at Project Papa Charlie HQ, holding an iron rod in one hand and my grandfather’s thirty ought six in the other. These are for stoking the fires of creativity and defending our intellectual property, respectively, and I'm not afraid to use either.

I am, however, currently locked in the server room [Rory note: I put Dave in there so that he would work instead of having a life or whatever], so I thought it would be fun if you and I got to know each other a little bit before our new website goes live. Actually, Rory thought that and IMed it to me after I had already been locked in for the night, but he was thoughtful enough to leave me with pizza money, today's codes for the entertainment center, and Season Four of Stargate on DVD.

I'm not going to lie - I'm really excited about the Stargate. Rory's been talking about it pretty much nonstop since I signed on here, and I know next to nothing about the show, except that it's based on the movie, has MacGyver in it, and is currently "the longest-running SF drama in American television history." Since this is the closest thing Rory has to a God, this will be kind of like going to church with one of my friends, but with better seats and fewer kids asking me if my people really killed Jesus like in The Passion.

There is a note attached to the DVDs asking me to pick an episode from disc five and review it for the website, so I have fired up my laptop, dimmed the lights, and settled in for what should be an enjoyable hour or so of "the thinking man's entertainment."

Episode 21: Double Jeopardy

Rory felt that the best way to introduce me to the series was to have me start at the very end of Season Four, and I feel like I have to agree. (This isn't just a figure of speech - I actually have to agree with everything he says, as per our contract.) I picked this episode in particular because “Double Jeopardy” is a legal term, and I’m something of a tort enthusiast.

On to the show:

Stargate? Paintball? Day spa? WTF?

The episode opens with a hot tub standing on its side. Richard Dean Anderson walks out, followed by what looks like the rest of his paintball team. We're not even two minutes into the show and I'm completely lost. Who's the guy with the helmet, and why is he talking through a cheap voice modulator? Is the good guy with the gold ampersand on his face supposed to be an alien, or is he just talking like that because of the plastic surgery?

Plastic surgery or separated at birth?

Opening Credits

Nice. This is a touching homage to both John Williams and Maurice Jarre. I didn't make the connection between Egyptian mythology and science fiction when they simply put the words "Stargate: SG-1" over a giant sphinx in the opening montage, so I was glad to hear a note-for-note ripoff of Lawrence of Arabia flowing seamlessly into the Imperial Attack theme from Star Wars.

This image is going to get us sued in *so* many ways

This did a good job of setting the tone for…

The Actual Episode Itself

Plotwise, the paintball team seems to have stumbled across a planet full of unemployed porn actors. Can you believe how primitive these actors are? They’re so primitive, they think the guys with the voice modulators are gods! This is driven home by the fact that the porn people are all wearing fur, while the gods are covered in iron and spandex.

Words I've recognized so far: Asgard. Jafar. Warriors of Tuna. This is heady stuff, and I'm trying to absorb as much of it as I can so that I can sound smart in front of Rory.

Luckily, we know how things are going to turn out before the bad guy even comes down from his ship, because this is not challenging television. Richard Dean Anderson has a contractual obligation to be confident, organized, and borderline ninja every time he's on camera, just like Jude Law is always some kind of prick, and post-Jedi Harrison Ford is always trying to save his family. Bad guys who sound like the MCP from Tron almost always get killed, usually through a combination of luck, teamwork, and a personal sacrifice by one of the good guys. This always happens at the last possible second, (highlight the following invisible text for spoilers) just like in this episode of “Stargate: SG-1”.

I will say that the racism usually found in this type of sci-fi is refreshingly low here, with only a Supernatural Black Guy and Shifty Jew to be seen. This is a far cry from The Phantom Menace's high-water mark of Every Black, Middle-Eastern And Asian Stereotype You Can Think Of, but because of this, I found it extremely difficult to tell the “Stargate: SG-1” characters apart.

Final Thoughts

I really enjoyed Stargate when the film came out in 1994. Even then, the idea of prehistoric aliens building the Great Pyramids was nothing new, but I felt like Emmerich and Devlin kept the script tight and really put the actors through their paces, squeezing out a high octane sci-fi epic that bordered on the ridiculous but always managed to stay one step ahead of the clichés.

This show, however, is utter garbage, and I am now actively working to terminate my contract with Mr. Blyth.

Anyways, thanks for reading, and a belated Happy Easter! I’ll write again soon.

Sincerely,

Dave