I'm sorry to hear about your romantic issues, I'm sure it will calm down in a bit.

I've felt jealous of religious people before...whenever something bad happens, they can say "God wills it" but what can we say?  Nothing; if something bad happens, it's of our own doing.  We fuck up our own lives, and we don't have God to blame it on.  When they need hope, all they have to do is read about Him, think about Him, talk to Him...and they feel better.  However, people like you and I have to deal with bouts of depression, anxiety and self-pity.  

It sucks, yo.

But you know what?  I can't make myself believe something that I can't feel...at least not right now.  Don't be jealous of people who believe in something that may be factitious...be happy because you question God's existence...be happy that you are smarter than the 95% of people who don't question anything, but swallow it down like it's reason...like it's logic.  Because it isn't.  I am proud to call you my friend because you, like me, are a cynic, and even though it's a negative word in a connotative (and denotative respect I suppose) respect, it's what we are and shows that we fight things that don't feel right.  

It's ok to question things that seem a little odd...a little far-fetched...don't be jealous of people who are like everyone else and can use "God" as a scapegoat/answer for everything.

You are brilliant and other brilliant people (like myself) can appreciate that.

[Note:  I'm not harping on Christians or any denomination thereof, simply expressing my opinion in an unbiased way]

Take care.

Dear Diary, I think my last post did a good job of expressing how I'm feeling about the universe at this...

Tee -

"I'm sorry to hear about your romantic issues, I'm sure it will calm down in a bit."

I imagine so, too. There are a few factors to consider:

1. I'm in a new city, and it's not much of a city - Redmond's nightlife isn't (to put it simply)

2. I don't have what was basically my little black book for Portland - nobody to call for quick, casual comfort, and nobody to call if it's something more serious I'd like to pursue

3. I've had a lot of ups and downs since her death (you know that better than most people, as you supported me through much of it - and thank you for that) - this is probably just another down, brought about by a bunch of problems that all popped up at once

4. There's the other issue I've been dealing with - which only you and a few others know about - and which I so, *so* very much want to write about, but can't (yet)

5. Changing my AD dosage has certainly upset the homeostasis of my brain, and it'll probably be a week or two before things are back to "normal"

It's strange being able to rationalize all of this, but not switch my feelings off.

Aydika told me that I became "a human" this year. Maybe having emotions that aren't under control of the left side of my brain is part of that. I used to be able to turn off my feelings when I didn't want to deal with them - I have since (thankfully) lost that ability. It's harder, but it also helps me to understand what's wrong. It doesn't give me solutions, but at least points me in the right direction, you know? Where to start looking for answers.

"It's ok to question things that seem a little odd...a little far-fetched...don't be jealous of people who are like everyone else and can use "God" as a scapegoat/answer for everything."

I'm as much of a skeptic as I've always been, but... it would really be nice right now to have the kind of love I imagine those who have some kind of religion experience.

My grandmother gave me unconditional love and support.

I don't know where else I'm going to get that.

Actually, it doesn't have to be unconditional. It just has to be love - and I have to *believe* that the love is real. My biggest problem in life has been that I don't believe people when they say they love me. I wish I knew why.

"You are brilliant and other brilliant people (like myself) can appreciate that."

I miss your attitude :)

"Take care."

Word, lady. You, too.

Part of happiness is learning to swallow something down that isn't logical. It's not that you don't question it, it's that you suspend logic and your questions and swallow it anyway. Kind of like love.

Be very, very sad that you're smarter than 95% of the people out there and unable to suspend that damn logic.

Very well written Rory. I'm pretty sure you're helping more than just yourself by writing like that and I'm proud of you for being that person.

being human sucks.
i wanna be a monkey.
hang out in the jungle.
eat bananas and fling poo.
and monkeys dont need ridalin.
you can be crazy and wild and other monkeys will think thats o.k.
"look at Dan.  he's a crazy monkey."
you could "monkey around" all day and its par for the course.
i'd wake up in the morning and my wife-monkey would say "so dear, what are you gonna do today?"
and i'd reply..."i'm gonna head over to the big banana tree, peel me some banana goodness and later i'll probably swing by the hippos and fling some poo."
yup.
monkeys rock.
what were we talking about?

Hi Rory,

I can understand what you might be going through. It's hard to be away from family and friends specially during Holidays.
I am sure its a temporary phase and this too shall pass :)

Take care,
Ni.

I'm sure what you've got going on is unique to you, but for what it's worth there are plenty (millions) of others (like me) that are struggling to find the same thing.  So, definitely not alone on the more general aspects of this post.

Dear Rory,

Given that I am a simple diary I wouldn't worry about cheating on me. It's not exactly like I'm capable of getting attached to the attention of being written in or anything.

But this exploration of your darker side sounds a little disturbing to me, and the reasons for it disturb me even more.

It is said to think that you'd invested so much of your mental health in one person - and that now that person is gone you feel (forgive me if I fail to express this correctly.) like they've taken with them all the support they used to provide them. I'd like to think that this isn't true, and that all the support they've provided you in the past is still carried within you now.

I'm also becoming a little concerned that you may be doing the same thing you did with your grandmother with me. Please let this not be so, it is a great responsibility to maintain a person's mental balance, and it should be shared among as many people as are willing to bear it.

Please don't feel under pressure to be the awesome all-conquering party monster Rory that we all know and love, no-one can maintain that level of supremeness continuously. You can't rock everyone's world all the time, take a break and don't worry that people's worlds aren't being rocked. (And don't worry that they don't miss you rocking their world's, they do, but they understand I'm sure.)

Anyway, you've written in me again already and I've got to think of a response to that too - it's not easy being a diary.

You need somebody in your life. It's mostly letting you down, because you miss what you had before. Vacation was a time where you were with your family (somehow experienced how it was) but your grandmother wasn't there.

As you mention in your reply you are in a city and have no black book. Get somebody to start a new black book. It's hard and difficult with everything that happened lately, but you should try it.

And if you love Tee so much, why don't you try to spend mor time with here instead of trying to create new love. Live the current one... :)

Diary -

"I'd like to think that this isn't true, and that all the support they've provided you in the past is still carried within you now."

I'd like to think the same, but it just isn't the case.

She's gone, and so is her support.

And that's that.

anonymous -

"And if you love Tee so much, why don't you try to spend mor time with here instead of trying to create new love. Live the current one... :)"

My feelings for Tee aren't the problem. As has been discussed elsewhere on this site in great detail, it's the situation.

Too complicated. To be together, depending on how it happened, one of us would have to make a huge sacrifice. When we were deciding what to do, it was clear that neither one of us was willing to make such a huge sacrifice.

We're still in touch, though, and for that I am quite thankful.

Hi rory,

I dunno but maybe we have the same problem about faith and religion. I was born a Roman Catholic in the Philippines, and I have been very happy and content that I belong here. But when I got to college, it wasnt very long when I started questioning whether God exists. I have debated here and there why it is possible that God cannot exist. Then some tragedy happened. I realize it is natural, even effortless for a human being to believe in God, especially if he is in the midst of crisis. I think it isnt bad at all, considering that it is what I observed even to myself. To believe in God as a celebration of our humaness, while at the same time doing intellectual pursuits that is seemingly incompatible with believing. It is ok to belong to a religion, just dont turn out like a zealot with such a closed mind to possibilities. I am convinced of the theory of evolution, but if you ask me why now Im believing in God, I cannot tell you any logical answer except that Im a mere human that exercises faith. From these, one may quickly point out that Im believing a false kind of god, that god should be like this or that, that a god shouldnt only be someone that one heeds only when in crisis, etc, etc. That one misses the point on how a person can cultivate his faith. I think realizing what we feel, even that of the feeling of believing in God, should come within ourself and just let accepting all the incongruences and inconsistencies in the meantime. Like being a child. The main point is what we have felt. If we feel happy about it, then good for us. It doesnt have to be in conflict with any endeavor. From then we can start to think again.

(im sorry if im rambling here. hope u feel ok soon.)

Rory,

I know what you're going through.  I struggled for quite a while after someone (much like the equivalent of your grandmother) passed away.  I wish I could tell you that getting over this death only took X amount of time, but it doesn't happen that way.  What happens is that every day you wake up and every day you'll carry their memory with you, and every day you wake up you'll feel ever so slightly less sad about their passing, and one day you'll wake up and you realize that even though you're still sad, that it's okay to be sad, but the sadness is easier to deal with than a day ago, a week ago, etc etc.
I won't lecture you on taking responsibility for your own happiness , blah blah blah, but I will say this: only you are responsible for your state of being, and remember that what you put out there is what you will get back twofold, if not more.
You may think I'm totally full of Sheisse but I have known you in my own way for quite a while and it breaks my heart to see (read) you in such disrepair and wish you only to be happy.  It's okay to be sad and feel sorry for yourself, but it's also okay to be happy.

Take care....

Rory-

Who's better at healing than Oprah?!  (besides Wolverine)Here's some advice from Oprah.com that helped me through a rough time:

Ask For Help
Now's the time to reach out to your friends and family. Don't be afraid to depend on others (like blog readers!) when you need it. Invite your sister over or take a walk with a friend—just be sure to get out of the house, eat well, and move. Doing so will get you to the next stage.

Give To Others
Do something kind for other people. You might visit sick children in a hospital or help the homeless. Remember, as difficult as this time might be, your life is still valuable. There's a lot of important work to do, and a lot of people who you can help.

Create New Traditions
Use this time to get closer to the people you love. Even if you need to be sad with them, you can come together to support each other. Try to create new traditions (like a regular movie night or volunteer time) with your family. Say to yourself, "In a year, I want to look back on this time and realize that I was changing my life for the better."

A Final Word
It's normal to experience feelings of sadness, loss, and anger. But if you feel yourself falling into despair, or you can't function, it may be time to speak with a counselor, minister, rabbi, or other trusted person.

***
I volunteered the CRAP outta my city so I could get my mind off of stuff.  It sounds like your grandma's stories always made you feel thankful - and maybe volunteering for someone less fortunate would have a similar effect?  (Plus there are tons of volunteering opportunities this time of year...)

Hang in there!
Nikki

"I'm envious of people who are able to believe in God. Right now, I wish it were in my nature to be able to do the same thing."

FWIW the orthodox Christian Faith teaches that 'believ[ing] in God' is contrary to 'human nature'.

I point this out for two reasons: 1) people who 'choose to believe' aren't likely to be doing something that has always come naturally to them, and 2) there exists the possibility that you yourself may yet come to believe in God, despite your current feelings that it is impossible (and probably (if you're anything like me) undesirable).

On the plus side Rory, when you are feeling the black thoughts there really are thousands of little voices telling you "don't do it."  Most of us have to hope that an imaginary voice in our head points us in the right direction.  But you actually have thousands of voices (your readers) who want you to be well and get through these times.  Now, they/we can't actually do anything concrete to help you but you can't have everything.

BTW, picking fights with assholes sounds like a fine choice of therapy.

While I completely understand the sentiment with which it was offered, the thought of Rory in a soup kitchen is something I'd pay to see.  Even still, the girl's got a point.

Regarding the un-unconditional love, I really have to commend you for how far you've come over the last year. Honestly, I'm amazed at where you're at - it's never easy to allow yourself to really be loved unconditionally - and all the more so considering all the shit that's plagued you this year. Rory, I'm pretty damn proud of you.

Losing a grandparent is hard.  My first grandparent (Grandpa on my Mom's side) just passed away in June and it was very hard.  It's hard to move on.

I really liked your story of how she'd tell you about a worse experience than the one you were having.  Have you ever tried just staring up at the sky and wondering what's really out there?  Everytime I look at the stars and think about that, it makes all of my problems, even all of Earth's problems seem so insignificant that I shouldn't be worrying about them.  :)

Also, just remember that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself.  Live for yourself and you may find that special someone you want to live for without even looking!  ;)

I'm not that great of a talker, but I am a good listener.  If there's anything I can do, you know where to find me.

-EP (Officemate)

Tee, I find one of your comments in particular to be quite ironic:

"...be happy that you are smarter than the 95% of people who don't question anything, but swallow it down like it's reason...like it's logic."

From my perspective, it is evolutionists who are taught all their lives that everything came about by chance and just believe it, while Christians go through the same education system and question what they are taught.

When I see such complex biological processes as the human immune system, it is difficult to imagine how each of the delicate parts in this process could possibly form independently (and, at each step, benefit the creature enough for the gene to persist) then to mesh with everything else so well. If a single part of this did not exist at the same time as the others, none of the process would function. Yet this would be required for the current scientific theories to be correct.

Whether or not you believe in the supernatural is an entirely different subject, but either way, the theory of Evolution can not explain everything.

With all due respect to both you and Tee:

...be happy because you question God's existence...be happy that you are smarter than the 95% of people who don't question anything, but swallow it down like it's reason...like it's logic.  Because it isn't.

Questioning God's existence isn't the same as denying it. It's perfectly natural to question that which does not make sense and doing so does not eternally condemn your soul. Going a bit deeper you might ask what defines reason? What defines logic?

Webster defines logic as: The science or art of exact reasoning, or of pure and
     formal thought, or of the laws according to which the
     processes of pure thinking should be conducted; the
     science of the formation and application of general
     notions; the science of generalization, judgment,
     classification, reasoning, and systematic arrangement; the
     science of correct reasoning.

Who governs the laws according to which the processes of pure thinking should be conducted? What started the science of generalization, judgment, classification, reasoning, and systematic arrangement; the science of correct reasoning?

You see, the funny thing about logic is that you can't use it recursively. That is you can't use it to explain itself. The same goes for anything/everything outside of faith. When you analize anything you get to a point where logic drops off, stops working, falls to pieces. It doesn't take much thought to see that far either.

Its important to distinguish and separate faith from religion. Faith is believing while religion is following. Faith allows one to see the beginning and the end pieces that formal logic and science doesn't cover. It's a common misunderstanding that those who have faith are not scientific or think in the absence of science. It's actually quite the opposite. Those who have no faith are those who deal only in the tangible or that which can be seen, felt, or touched. That is quite limiting. Life, the universe, our existence goes so much further, why confine yourself to such a small subset of it? Faith is a kind of indirection, one that cannot be explained or measured with rational, formalized thinking. When you think scientifically or mathematically you have to except both rational and irrational concepts. Faith in God, Jesus, Jehova, Allah, {insert deity here} is about explaining those imaginary numbers. It's the repitan line thingy when you convert 1/3 to a decimal. It's the boy from Ripley's who survived with half of his head. Its the reason why electrons travel from to atoms with greater proton to electron ratio. It's the thing that came before the big bang.

It's really naive to believe that faith is just about some imaginary "best friend" that you blame all of your trouble on and look to for help. Faith is about accepting the rest of the stuff that logic, and formal reasoning leaves out. There's so much more to existence than flesh, heat, electricity and asteroids. Having faith is knowing how much more there is.

For Rory, you can take comfort in knowing that your grandmother lived for much more than listening to you complain about ASP script errors. The expiration of her body did not cancel her soul. She lives on in the words flying as text over HTTP. May not exist in the tangible but she does exist in you and in every other person she has touched. Having faith is about understanding and discovering that other dimension of reality. When you finally accept life for everything it is then you will move from mourning her passing to truly apperciating her life. Just re-read your above post and you'll see its your grandmother trying to tell you that she's right here with you. That's why you keep writing about her. That's why she's mentioned in just about every post since the new site went up. "Dear Diary" might as well read "Dear Grandma".

I'll wrap this up now as I have a tendency to go on long rambling rants. One parting thought, Rory. Wake up and read your own posts. Stop dwelling on what was and learn to love what is. (Just re-reading what I wrote I se I need to take my own advice. I lost my father years ago and still feel the loss...)

Matt -

"From my perspective, it is evolutionists who are taught all their lives that everything came about by chance and just believe it, while Christians go through the same education system and question what they are taught."

You're both right (and wrong).

Neither religion (or spirituality) nor a knowledge of evolution is innate. They both must be taught, or brought about as a result of observations.

Some people arrive at a set of spiritual beliefs on their own. Others are taught to believe as Christians, Muslims, or Jews. Others, still, are taught that evolution explains life quite well.

So, I'd agree with both of you, but to a limited extent.

That said, I have nothing against what people choose to believe (except for Scientologists - not only is Scientology ridiculous, but it has been the source of many, many problems that could have easily been avoided).

"When I see such complex biological processes as the human immune system, it is difficult to imagine how each of the delicate parts in this process could possibly form independently (and, at each step, benefit the creature enough for the gene to persist) then to mesh with everything else so well. If a single part of this did not exist at the same time as the others, none of the process would function. Yet this would be required for the current scientific theories to be correct."

I am not going to argue against your faith. That would be both pointless and rude.

I will, however, point out that the problem of "irreducible complexity" (that's the official name for the argument you're discussing) has been thoroughly discussed and debunked.

Think, for example, about the human body. Think about some of your most important organs:

Heart, brain, liver, etc...

Now, think about how many of each of these you have:

1, 1, 1, etc...

Now, think about how well you can live without even just *one* of these organs.

You can't. You'd die. And that's it. End of story.

If human beings were designed by a creator, then the creator was either cruel or a terrible engineer. Not having provided backup systems for some of the most important parts of the body is an oversight that would never be made by a human engineer.

If I, for example, were to design a body, I'd design it in such a way that there would be redundancies. People would have a spare heart - a spare liver - a spare brain. I know it sounds odd, but it'd be nice to have the redundant organs there in case of failure.

The problem is that the body is built around efficiency. Nature (or God) didn't allow for the luxury of backup systems, so we're stuck with the primaries, and the primary systems fail quite often.

So, is this an oversight on God's part? Was God a bad engineer?

Or did God *intentionally* design humans poorly?

This is why faith is best left alone. The literal interpretation of the Bible which is very popular in the States right now is a tricky thing. I had a nice long conversation with a devout Christian the other night who told me she believed that God simply allowed for evolution. Case closed. It was refreshing, and she didn't need to provide any elaborate and easily dismantled arguments.

"Whether or not you believe in the supernatural is an entirely different subject, but either way, the theory of Evolution can not explain everything."

The theory of evolution isn't meant to explain "everything" - it's meant to explain evolution, and it does its job quite well.

It should also be explained that the word "theory" as it is used in the scientific world - and in terms of evolution - means something very different from what the word means in common usage.

Your average human being uses the word "theory" to refer to an idea that is weakly supported - just barely above a guess or speculation.

In the scientific world, the word "theory" is used to describe something which is, to put it in oversimplified terms, just short of being *fact*.

So, when a scientist refers to "the theory" of evolution, that scientist is referring to something that is *nearly* fact.

That's part of the reason there's been so much confusion in the public. It's not uncommon to hear someone say, "it's only a theory." That makes sense in the vernacular, but when used in a scientific context, it's very, very different.

Anyway, again, I'm not challenging your faith. People should believe whatever they feel is right.

I'm just challenging some of your arguments, and I hope you receive my comments in the way I've intended.

"Can't see it" -

I didn't make any arguments about logic, so I'll leave most of that untouched.

However...

"Those who have no faith are those who deal only in the tangible or that which can be seen, felt, or touched. That is quite limiting."

Yes - it *is* limiting. And I don't mind that. It's also my choice not to mind.

The implication you're making is that the limitations are somehow bad. They might be for you, but we're all free to decide whether or not something is "right" for ourselves.

Also, I'd argue that the limitations don't affect me. I'm quite imaginative, and tend to get by just fine making things up which amuse me. I do not, however, feel the need to believe those things exist as anything but thoughts.

"Faith is about accepting the rest of the stuff that logic, and formal reasoning leaves out. There's so much more to existence than flesh, heat, electricity and asteroids. Having faith is knowing how much more there is."

Simply incorrect.

The last sentence, if you'll forgive me, is ridiculous. Having faith is about *believing* "how much more there is."

The first definition for "faith" in my dictionary is this:

---belief or trust: belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof---

Very different from knowledge.

"For Rory, you can take comfort in knowing that your grandmother lived for much more than listening to you complain about ASP script errors."

What are you talking about?

Also, implying that I thought she lived only for listening to me complain is *not* necessary. It's also insulting.

"The expiration of her body did not cancel her soul."

I don't believe in the soul. For me, her death was the end.

You can say whatever you'd like - you can frame death in whatever way accords with your belief system, but I don't share your beliefs. To me, she's gone.

Yes, she lives on in some ways. I carry her genes. So do her other children and grandchildren. I have her writing. Photos. Videos and audio recordings. I can go to her grave and know that her remains are buried just below me.

But, as I said, I don't believe in the soul. To me, she's dead, and you won't get anywhere or help me improve my situation by arguing this point - I'm not going to modify my belief about the soul until someone provides me with proof, or at least compelling evidence.

Where proof is concerned, by beliefs are irrelevant. Where compelling evidence is concerned, it's up to me to decide what "compelling evidence" is.

Put another way, you won't be able to convince me, using your belief system, of the existence of the soul.

Therefore, to me, my grandmother is dead. Period.

"Having faith is about understanding and discovering that other dimension of reality."

I'd say it's more about fabricating "that other dimension of reality."

I don't see that dimension. I doubt you can provide me with a definition of "that other dimension" with which the majority of people agree.

I firmly believe you can *discover* "that other dimension," but only insofar as you might "discover" any one of your other fantastical thoughts.

I do not share the same thoughts. To me, "that other dimension" doesn't exist. I have no desire for it to exist. It is totally irrelevant to me.

"When you finally accept life for everything it is then you will move from mourning her passing to truly apperciating her life."

I get the feeling that you mean well, but do you have any idea how insulting you're being?

The arrogance you're displaying in your belief that you somehow know better than I do how much I appreciate her life is astounding.

The arrogance you're displaying by thinking that the way *I* mourn is also the way *you* mourn, too, is astounding.

"Just re-read your above post and you'll see its your grandmother trying to tell you that she's right here with you."

No - when *you* re-read my post, you'll see my grandmother saying something.

When *I* re-read it, I see words. My own words. No message from my grandmother.

"That's why you keep writing about her. That's why she's mentioned in just about every post since the new site went up. "Dear Diary" might as well read "Dear Grandma"."

I keep writing about her because I miss her and because her death has been very painful for me. It's that simple. There's no reason to read into it any further.

And, the "Dear Diary" posts aren't about my writing to my grandmother. I use the "Dear Diary" construct because it makes it feel like I'm writing to, and for, myself. When I look at the number of people visiting my site, I'll admit, it's a bit intimidating. I wanted to be able to write without thinking about that number, and "Dear Diary" was the way I managed to do that.

It was all premeditated. I had a specific set of reasons for doing this. Your retrofitted explanation might fit in *your* mind, but it has nothing to do with why I've chosen this method of writing.

"One parting thought, Rory. Wake up and read your own posts. Stop dwelling on what was and learn to love what is."

I'll dwell "on what was" for the rest of my life.

I will never stop missing my grandmother.

And, thinking about her and who she was is *not* mutually exclusive with my ability to "love what is." I don't know where you got the idea that it was one or the other.

Rory,

Pickup a copy of 'The Unusual Suspect' from Amazon or wherever and then read it.

Rory, you raise some interesting points that I will honestly look into for myself. I appreciate that you don't resort to pointless namecalling like some people (eg Richard Dawkins) do.

My apologies for yesterday's rant. I was merely lending some insight on how those with faith tend to cope with a loss. I was not trying to imply that you thought your grandma lived only to hear you and I didn't mean to insult you. (My big mouth did but I certainly didn't.) In short life is so much more than the meat that holds the mind. What I meant to say was that your grandma does live on whether you believe it or not. Her influence on you is ever lasting and evidence of her soul living on. That's what I meant by rereading your post. That's how she lives on, through her influence. The same way we still see great people who died in the past on TV. They've influence people so they live through those influences. That's really a shallow way of explaining it but it's the best way to make logical sense out of something illogical, something you should just feel naturally.

Let me put it this way, I lost my father some years ago (while I was in my early twenties). His life meant so much to so many people including me. I feel him with me whenever I interact with my own kids. His life changed me in such a way that I will never forget. I'm sure others feel the same way about the man too. I went through a period where I felt like I was a different person because he was no longer there. That period lasted a long while until one day I found myself laughing and joking with my duaghter the same exact way he did with me my brother and my sister. I don't mean to say that I thought I absorbed part of his life essence the way that Peter Patrelli does in Heroes, but I know I felt something that day that couldn't be explained in words or with science. I still grieve the loss at times because feel I missed out on sharing a significant part of my life with him. There are times I'd like to interact with his persona rather than his memory. That's when that I get that feeling again. That same awkward yet comforting feeling I had that day with my daughter.

As I see it, there is so much more to life than what the body holds. I choose to accept and explore the extra stuff that's where many of those hard to find answers lie.

You said:
--------------------
"The implication you're making is that the limitations are somehow bad. They might be for you, but we're all free to decide whether or not something is 'right' for ourselves.

Also, I'd argue that the limitations don't affect me. I'm quite imaginative, and tend to get by just fine making things up which amuse me. I do not, however, feel the need to believe those things exist as anything but thoughts. "
--------------------

It's sad to see someone like yourself claim pride living with the limitations. I know you're trying to be funny in your typical way but what's important is that you do follow those thoughts and look for some deeper meaning. This meaning doesn't have to come from the Koran, the Torah, or the Bible, though all three are good guides for the soul. But it's best if it comes from some bigger source of wisdom. While I do have a religion you'll notice that I make no mention of a particular diety or religion in my rantings because all religiions in my view function more like protocols or syntaxes for feeding the soul. There is no one right religion just like there is no one right programming language. I'm rambling again so let me wrap up. I apologize for misspeaking and I hope you find your own best way to cope. To you, your grandma, and your family, God bless, Buddah bless, Allah be with you... oh and Jesus loves you.

One more parting thought.

You said:
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And, thinking about her and who she was is *not* mutually exclusive with my ability to "love what is." I don't know where you got the idea that it was one or the other.
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I was referring to how to talk about her in the past tense. Your grandma isn't "was" rather she "is". She didn't die, it's just her body stopped working. Find comfort in knowing that she "is" still here in that abstract indirect spiritual sense. It'll take you a while to get to know her in her new form. (It took me some years myself to adjust.) The sooner you understand more about it the sonner you can find that comfort. Honestly, visit your local temple, mosk, church, pastor, or minister and give it a shot. You don't/won't "get it" in a day a week or even a year. (It's not like picking up a prgramming language.) It takes practice, patience guidance and understanding.

@Can't see it

"I was referring to how to talk about her in the past tense. Your grandma isn't "was" rather she "is". She didn't die, it's just her body stopped working."

You see, now you've just got weird.

I'm all for the "the didn't die, you still have memories of them and through those memories they can still live on in you" sort of idea, but people do die. Saying "it's just their body stopped working" doesn't help, because that's pretty much most people's definition of death.

Having said all that, perhaps I'm unusual in that everyone I know is carried around in my head as a short-cut version of them. I can play the "what would XXXX say?" game until the cows come home, and I'm pretty good at it. (This is why I buy fanastically good presents, and if you have the benefit of me knowing you you'll realise this.) So in that sense when someone dies it's more like the version of them in my head isn't going to get any more details - but in one sense at least they're just as alive to me as they were. (Until my memory starts to go of course.)

Anyway, I think we should all stop trying to solve Rory's life for him, he's a smart guy and knows it better than us. If he doesn't have the solution it's pretty insulting that we think we do.

But I do want to support him, I've never met him, but I like his blog and he seems a really cool guy - so chin up Rory! People who've never met you think you're awesome.

If you're ever around Bristol in the UK, then contact me via the e-mail I used to sign up with and I'll be happy to try to fill your life with meaning in person too.

I think it's very cute and passive aggressive how people these days are letting someone know how they feel by blogging about it. It's like painting something and hanging it somewhere you know someone will be or writing a song. Except nerdier.

Can't see it -

"My apologies for yesterday's rant. I was merely lending some insight on how those with faith tend to cope with a loss."

If that were how your comment had been framed, I would have received it in a very different way. However, you're presenting your personal beliefs as universal truths. This might be unintentional given how much you clearly believe, but without any other context, the only way I can take things is how you present them.

For example...

"I was not trying to imply that you thought your grandma lived only to hear you and I didn't mean to insult you. (My big mouth did but I certainly didn't.) In short life is so much more than the meat that holds the mind."

Here, the first and seconds sentences are fine. I understand, and no offense is taken.

However, move to the third sentence: "In short life is so much more than the meat that holds the mind."

While I agree with you (life is also dogs, amoebas, bacteria, and so on), I get the feeling that you're referring to something spiritual. The issue here is your use of the word "is" - the word "is" does not *imply* - rather, it *denotes*. That is, it refers to something literally. It presents an idea as fact.

Given that I don't share your belief system(s), I'm not going to agree to a statement based on your own beliefs that is presented as fact.

Normally, I'd probably ignore the whole argument (I'm content to believe what I believe, and I'm content to leave others alone), but this is, in part, about my grandmother and how I relate to her now that she's dead. This is a huge issue for me - something I'm not going to leave alone.

But let's move on...

"What I meant to say was that your grandma does live on whether you believe it or not."

I don't mean to insult you, but this, as I previously pointed out, is extremely arrogant. Not only are you not interested in allowing me to observe my grandmother's death in the way that makes sense to me, but you're telling me that *your* way is *correct* and that I'm wrong (in stating "whether you believe it or not," you're telling me that I'm wrong for not believing).

Why can't people just leave it alone? Nowhere in my post did I invite any sort of discourse on the issue. I believe what I believe. You believe what you believe.

Part of what I believe is that people should be allowed to believe whatever they like as long as it doesn't harm anybody else or restrict someone else's freedom. Because of this belief, I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong for trying to convince me that *I'm* wrong, but I will point out that what you're doing is really obnoxious.

I understand that you want to help and that you'd like for me to feel better.

But, I also can't help but think that you must have a motive for continuing to push your beliefs. So far, the only agenda I've managed to come up with is that, when someone else doesn't believe what *you* believe, it raises doubts, and those doubts make you uncomfortable. You want other people to buy in to your belief system so that you can feel secure in knowing you've made the right choices.

That could very well be incorrect. I'm happy to accept that. But, if that is incorrect...

...why do you keep trying to change my mind? Why aren't you content to let me believe what I believe? I understand that it hurts too think that my grandmother is, in every "real" way, dead and gone, but I'm aware of my choice and the responsibilities that come with it. I *know* it's going to hurt more than it would if I had some kind of reassurance that she's just waiting for me in some spiritual lobby somewhere - that I'll be reunited with her everlasting soul when my own body "expires."

But I don't believe that. At all. I'm not even close to believing it.

So, why not *let* me believe it? Why argue your point? You aren't going to change my mind.

"Her influence on you is ever lasting and evidence of her soul living on."

No - it isn't. Her influence on me is evidence that I respected what she had to say and teach. That she continues to influence me has everything to do with the fact that I love the person she was so much that I'm not interested in letting go.

It is most certainly *not* evidence of a soul living on. And, if you make such a claim, keep in mind that the burden of supporting the claim is on *you*. And you haven't provided any convincing arguments. Just personal beliefs.

Again, I think it's great that you believe whatever you do, but it's arrogant for you to think you've got it all worked out.

And, no, I am not displaying that same arrogance. By clearly stating that I am content for each person to believe what he wants as long as it doesn't harm anyone else or limit anybody else's freedom, I'm showing that:

A) I accept that there will be conflicting belief systems

B) I don't consider mine to be a universal truth - if I did, then I wouldn't be accepting of anybody else's system

There's more to this argument, but I'm tired. So, let's move on again...

"I don't mean to say that I thought I absorbed part of his life essence the way that Peter Patrelli does in Heroes, but I know I felt something that day that couldn't be explained in words or with science."

Actually, what you felt *could* be explained "in words or with science" - the question is whether or not you would *accept* an explanation.

It's entirely possible that you don't *want* an explanation. Not having one makes it easier to hold a mystical belief about your father and where he is.

That's understandable, and that's how you may operate.

I don't operate that way. Period.

"It's sad to see someone like yourself claim pride living with the limitations. I know you're trying to be funny in your typical way but what's important is that you do follow those thoughts and look for some deeper meaning."

First off, I *am* prideful about living with limitations. It's harder. It requires that I accept what's in front of me - I can't get out of pain by confuring up some belief that takes some of the burden of grief away.

Limitations, to me, are a good thing. Limitations in money - in success - in writing. Whatever.

Look at a sonnet - there are limitations there. A sonnet is a sonnet because it conforms to the rules of a sonnet. And, by being limited to the confines of writing a sonnet, someone must be novel in his approach to writing - must think *harder* about how to say what he wants to so that it will fit the form of a sonnet. I see beauty in those limitations.

I'm *glad* I have limitations. I've imagined myself with limitless wealth, and I wouldn't want it. It would take something away from me - some drive to change the world in which I live. I like that drive. I like the activity of trying to effect change.

There's nothing sad about my pride in this case - at least not to me. And, I take no offense to your statement. You believe what you believe, and I'm content to leave that alone.

Now, regarding your comment about me trying to be funny in my "typical" way - you're flat out wrong. I wasn't trying to be funny. That you're so unwilling to accept that someone else would see the world differently from you - unwilling to the point that you assume the person must be joking - makes me wonder why I'm even involving myself in this conversation.

There was no joking at all. I take the issue of my grandmother's death very seriously. It's probably one of the few things in life I take seriously.

I can, therefore, state categorically that you are *wrong* when you say that I was trying to be funny.

Some things *are* true, regardless of point of view. The issue of whether I was trying to be funny or not is one which only *I* can answer definitively. And I've done that.

"While I do have a religion you'll notice that I make no mention of a particular diety or religion in my rantings because all religiions in my view function more like protocols or syntaxes for feeding the soul."

Well, that's great!

(For you.)

I *do not* have a religion. As far as I know, I *do not* have a soul. As far as I know, *nobody* has a soul. I am not arguing that the existence of a soul is impossible, but *I* do not believe one exists.

So, I have no need for anything which "nurtures the soul" - you can't nurture something that doesn't exist.

And, if I *did* believe in the existence of the soul, I wouldn't have to take on the teachings of a religion. I don't require a guide like the Bible or the Koran to form a system of morals for myself. I just don't. End of story.

"Your grandma isn't "was" rather she "is". She didn't die, it's just her body stopped working."

Again, according to *your* belief system, that might be the case. Stating something like this factually indicates that you believe you've figured it out.

I'm not so arrogant. What I saw was my grandmother's death. I saw nothing else. In my life, and according to my opinions, my grandmother is dead. As for souls and bodies that "[stop] working," I have no interest. To me, she's dead. She *was*. She *is not*.

"Find comfort in knowing that she "is" still here in that abstract indirect spiritual sense."

I'd rather not betray my belief system just so that I can have some cheap comfort.

I'm not going to modify the way I view the world just because something painful happened to me. I have a little more backbone than that.

I'd rather live with the pain of believing she's gone than wrap myself in some cozy spiritual blanket.

If I were willing to change what I believe so easily, then what would my beliefs be worth? They'd be for sale - to whatever situation hurt me enough, or brought me enough success, that I would take the payment and modify a few of the rules by which I live.

Not interested.

Now, if you have *proof* (and be sure to look the word up in one of the major dictionaries first - I'm not interested in discussing somone's "personal" idea of what "proof" means), then we can talk.

In fact, if anyone can provide me with *proof* that she still exists other than as a corpse buried in Portland, Oregon, I'll pay out with some cash money.

Remember, though - your proof will either have to be conclusive, or your evidence will have to be backed by one hell of a compelling story.

Either way, I don't believe anyone would succeed here.

"It'll take you a while to get to know her in her new form."

No it won't - 'cause I'm not going to get to know her "in her new form."

To me, she's dead. That's what's so bloody sad.

"The sooner you understand more about it the sonner you can find that comfort."

Translation: The sooner you sell-out on your belief system, the sooner you can fit yourself with a pair of emotional, spiritual crutches.

Thanks.

*No*

"It takes practice, patience guidance and understanding."

So does accepting her death, and that's where my energy is currently focused.

And that's where it's going to stay focused, no matter how depressing it gets or how badly I want her back.

Massif -

"Anyway, I think we should all stop trying to solve Rory's life for him, he's a smart guy and knows it better than us. If he doesn't have the solution it's pretty insulting that we think we do."

*Thank you*.

It doesn't insult me that people want to help - but what *is* insulting is that someone else, who has no experience with my grandmother, the "real" me, or the years of experience which have led me to my beliefs, thinks he can come along and provide a simple balm that will change everything.

Or that my decision to accept her death is somehow wrong.

Rather insulting, that.

What I find most odd is that, anytime I write a post that even *mentions* god, it turns into this big metaphysical discussion. I don't know why that is - this certainly wasn't a post about god or religion or whatever. Yeah, I mentioned a desire to believe, but that's all.

"If you're ever around Bristol in the UK, then contact me via the e-mail I used to sign up with and I'll be happy to try to fill your life with meaning in person too."

Word.

I actually dreamt last night that I was back in the UK. It was wonderful. Of all the places I wish I had stayed...

Anyway, yeah - I'll let you know if I'm ever in the neighborhood :)

Crap, I'll take the blame for the long theological train wreck of a discussion that has occurred since my comment.

I should have just said, "Nice post yo! Tee is freaking hawt! Channel 9 videos rock!! Will you have my babies!?!"

Sorry man, I didn't mean to break the comment section ;)

the little known evils of tabbed browsing, one being posting comments for the wrong blog entry. feel free to delete my other [duplicate] one. btw, this is somewhat metaphysical but not meant to be judgmental. so here it is, again, this time in the intended place:

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for what it's worth, i can relate.

my grandmother died in my mid-twenties, someone who raised me since i was a baby, and instilled in me the sense of self, intellect, humanity, passion that is a core part of me today.

i drove her to the hospital after she complained of chest pains, and having a history of heart disease, i was naturally worried. the cardiologist who examined her wanted to perform a catheterization (put a tiny balloon in the heart and get break through heart blockages) as there was a 90% block in with two major vessels.

the cardiologist wasn't satisfied after the 1st operation, so he pressed, and another ensued. i stood in the cold room as the procedure was performed at a distance acting as a translator (we're chinese) and to assure all was going to be okay. the last words i told her were just that. she was heavily sedated but stubborn as she was, told me looking straight into my eyes that she saw someone at the door and that it was her time to go.

i told her to "be good" (it was an inside joke, and the chinese phrase was spoken as one of adoration, between us, which she would also smile, happily so, and say to me how silly i was) before the cardiologist suddenly  told me to stand back as she had a heart attack. 8 minutes later, she was pushed out to the OR surgeon standing by, and 6 hrs later she was in a coma, on life support. the rest of the family was there by then, and the decision was made to let her go, according to her explicit wishes of not prolonging her death. still, it was my decision for her to get the catheter operation, because she trusted me completely, and it was one that haunted me for a long, long time.

the last thing i did was kiss her on the forehead then running down to the parking lot to my car driving around, listening to the cd playing then, smashing pumpkin's adore, and sobbing uncontrollably. the songs, the moments, that morning forever burned in my memories. i learned a few basic things then. i was alone as ever, crying (including now as i type this), hurt, ashamed, wishing, wanting to change time and space itself until my head and every bone of my body hurt.

over time i realized that those memories and what she taught me, implicitly and explicitly, are what mattered, and would stay with me for the rest of my life. i began to appreciate our time together, our rich family history, our culture, our heritage, the taoism that influenced my family, they all resurfaced for me. after some point of intense self-reflection, i realized that i wasn't alone. she was still here. not as a spirit, but as indelible memories, stories, and learnings that i garnered that was uniquely formed between her and i. all that i am, my respect for science, my self-awareness to be, and my ability to stay in the moment with the understanding of the unity of opposites (westerners reduce it to "ying-yang" but there's a lot more to it then that).

and while i have an immense respect and understanding of science, that day also taught me it was foolish to believe it to be absolute. after all, it, in this case medicine, was also a human pursuit, and with it fallible, tainted with unscientific human arrogance, closed off to other possibilities except what the immediate dataset or perhaps economics suggests. the surgeon told us that a surgery would have saved her rather than having a 2nd catheter procedure so close together before he shut the fuck up. the cardiologist in turn assigned blame of her obtaining a stent treatment too late.

at different times of the year, over the years since, i've relived that moment many times. but no regrets. for that is fate, a final fate that must be respected as it is the way of things. yet to only remember her death without realizing how immeasurably she gave me would be an living insult.

since that day, i've come to be even more of a critical thinker, and a philosopher (of the eastern "mysticism" variety, which like scientific "theory" is all too often misunderstood), and a scientist (we can all be scientists, it's all a matter of deliberate application of the scientific method). she gave me all the human gifts for me to be all that i am today, to grow despite the harshness that has been my life (another novel altogether), and for that there is nothing i can say that can come close to expressing my gratitude and completeness of being knowing that *i* had been her grandson and lived my life with her presence. nobody else.

i hope you can find a sense of self again, gathered from your fond memories and growing appreciation of her that will grow over time, not because there is a higher god directing you, rather that she has given you so much, of her wisdom, kindness, and strength through her stories and experiences with you, in great hopes, no doubt, that you find true happiness in life and humanity, which in turn means you will cherish your time with her for the rest of your life by living your life and nothing less, with time.

on a tangential p.s., like you, i came to redmond to the mother ship (from LA) by myself, leaving my fiancé there due to a number of reasons beyond our control. this was almost 6 years ago, so i think i can relate in some measure how you feel being on the eastside sans friends and family. i flew down to LA almost weekly for 2 1/2 years before we lived under one roof again. a number of things helped me grow and get through that period, perhaps i'll comment on it sometime, if i don't think it's going to be a big bore.

Meanwhile, take care.