I have a serious big-time crush on Zooey Deschanel. If you know her, then either give me her phone number, give me an introduction, or get out of my face.

For the rest of you, I decided to take it easy this week and spend a little time on the art I've been neglecting ever since my Zooey Deschanel crush began. I keep developing these things for movie and television star women. It's time consuming, and it never works out in the end because I realize I'm too good for all of them.

Other than talking about my crush on Zooey Deschanel, this post has nothing to do with her.

I'm done talking about my crush on Zooey Deschanel.

I talk to you now about my artwork.

I've done a few comics over the years. A couple have been published. Others receive constant heavy net traffic from people who just can't get enough stick figure action.

What I rarely share is the serious side of my drawing. I know that most of you think of me as really funny and amazingly good looking, but I'm also talented at expressing my hurt and other serious things through the medium of making pictures with my tablet's stylus on my tablet's screen and then saving it in a drawing program that also lets me erase and copy and paste or use different colors or zoom in and, if I'm feeling wild, zoom out.

Unless otherwise indicated, each of these pieces is for sale. You can either have the original, in which case you have to buy my tablet from me, or you can have a digital copy MADE ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

The works below aren't signed because I forgot to.

If you buy them, I'll sign them. I'll also autograph you on whichever body part you choose, provided it isn't something disgusting - like your face.

Serious enquiries only.

Help - By Rory Blyth 

Price: $47,992.12

About: In this computer picture, I explored the discomfort one would feel if the body were shaped like a grape and the limbs were neither long nor strong enough to provide the body with adequate locomotive capabilities. It would get boring. Also, you'd get hungry. And if you fell on your face, you'd just die.

Alopecia - By Rory Blyth

Price: $14.00 OBO

About: This work reflects the artists's own fears about going bald thanks to family genetics. Specifically, it touches on his deep-seated terror that his head is not shaped appropriately for public consumption. Furthermore, it might itch. Another anxiety is revealed in the extremely long right arm. The artist clearly has the willies about one arm being significantly longer than the other.

Black Dot Sunset - By Rory Blyth 

Price: $ [SOLD]

About: In my first abstract work, I wanted to make a strong statement about dots. So I did.

A Bunny Versus The Power of Michael Jackson - By Rory Blyth 

Price: $910,762.00

About: In this poignant cyber-image, we have an unnatural bunny getting ready to shoot an unnatural human. Both wield forces beyond nature. The bunny has a powerful automatic weapon of the machine-gun variety. Michael Jackson has his voice and signature dance moves, both of which have been demonstrated in countless videos to tear the vents off of air ducts, set fires, blow the tops off fire hydrants, reanimate dead flesh, and, to his disappointment, seduce women. What it all means is beyond me. I was off my meds that day.

The Most Beautiful Woman in the World - By Rory Blyth 

Price: $ [PRICELESS]

About: It took me twenty-two years to draw this woman. When we began, she was still alive, but she posed until I was through, showing great commitment to the arts. Further comment would only disturb what I've managed to capture here of the female form in all its splendor. This image is not for sale and is currently in the hands of a private collector.

Remember that all proceeds go to benefit a for-profit organization that is me.

And hear me on this, people - DON'T bother trying to haggle or negotiate. These works were appraised by Sotheby's. Either buy them at the listed price or wait for them to go on sale. Don't be tacky.

I'll consider trading one or two for Zooey Deschanel's phone number (ALL DIGITS - not just part of the number - I'm not getting screwed like that again).

If you are Zooey Deschanel and want to buy any of these, I'll give you a discount if you give me your phone number. I'll throw in a face-licking at no extra cost.

[Gratuitous Links to my Homies - Not Part of the Post Above] [Learn More]

- The Cowboy - This man has gone and done something that makes me all happy and warm inside. If you look at his blog roll thing, you'll see that there are a couple other Neopoleon readers there. If you follow the one to Cindy's site, you'll see she's done the same thing. I like that. Makes things all community-ish and stuff. It's nice.

- Massif - The guy is a prominent figure in my creation story. That alone, methinks, earns someone links. It's a great accomplishment and a compliment of the highest order from The Smartest Man in the World (new episodes coming soon).