Jesus fucking christ.  I'm speechless.  That was a beautiful love song.  Oh dear... what a setup.  You really had me fooled for a moment there.  Knowing absolutely nothing about women, I'll have to take your word for it.  

ps. I usually use deodorant on my pits when they smell.  Maybe this would work for the ladies?

Follow-up: I can't stop laughing.    Thanks... I needed that.

LoL

GuyIncognito -

"ps. I usually use deodorant on my pits when they smell.  Maybe this would work for the ladies?"

No! Seriously  - this is *not* a joke.

Women are instinctively attracted to men based in part on their armpit sweat odor. It's supposed to tell a story about the degree to which your genetics are crap. If you cover it up, you hurt your chances. The ones who're attracted to you also get there partially by armpit fragrance.

You need the Man Stink.

Girls I've dated have gone so far as to say that they love my BO. That's not a joke either. One of them used to bury her face in my chest and catch an indirect, ambient odor.

I like my BO, too. Makes sense considering how attracted to myself I am.

"Follow-up: I can't stop laughing."

I'm glad :)

I went back and watched it when I read your comment, and I had one of those "How in the hell did this happen?" moments. I got to laugh as well - when something I've made even seems strange to me, it's like I didn't create it, so I get to participate in the appreciation, adoration, and worshipping of the blinding genius that is the post.

I'm also afraid my own song is going to get stuck in my head.

Is it just me, or did that have more than a passing resemblence to the "Hi-Ho" song from Snow White?  Was that intentional?  Maybe I've never read the grown up version of the story, but only the cleansed Disney version.  I'm wondering if that's a version I can rent.

I'm also thinking the only thing worse than drinking way too much in front of co-workers and letting fly with what you really think of the bullshit project you're stuck on and all the reasons it's going to fail and how the business is going to point their stinky finger at you instead of squarely where it belongs (at their own stinky ass) when it does, is coming home afterwards and commenting on blogs before you've completely come down.  Sorry, man... Cowboy out.  

P.S. know anybody cool that's hiring C# prima donnas with big mouths?

I have to say, you had me going there for a moment. I was ready for something totally serious and profound like- with confessions from the soul and pondering viewpoints that would totally blow my mind and rearrange my ways of thinking and viewing the world...

It left me somewhere between the "That funny guy!" and "I'm almost embarrassed and disappointed that he had me going." place. I made a noise that expressed that which seemed to annoy and kind of frighten my cat.

Maybe you should hire yourself out as entertainment for parties. No, not THAT kind of entertainment, I mean like- you get your own Rory Blyth who will sit there and strange, interesting, and funny all at once. He may make a fort out of your cushions. He may make up a song that sounds vaguely dwarven in origin. He may make sound effects or tell interesting little vignettes about himself or life.

And yeah, I get that there is a serious element here with pheromones and such, but the lyrics had to have been intentionally comedic as well. Rhyming 'stink' and 'pink' repeatedly would give anything a comedic flavor.

OH MY GOD YOU PRAYING MY GEETAHR!

You is praying on *MY* GEETAHR! You going get new string sometime, or what? String sound flat and flabby like husband double chin when he fall asleep in front of TV....Gawd! Watchu doing making love song on MY GEETAHR?!

At least re-string and make honorable song or something.

And a PS: My pink don't stink.

Smell like kimchee.

Cute song Rory.

Kudos for playing and singing at the same time.

Get your strat out next and switch it over to powerchords and yell the lyrics really loud.

That oughta get you on MTV, it'll help sell ya book!

"The great american novel"

By Rory Blyth.

Writer, programmer and rockstar.

The Cowboy -

"Is it just me, or did that have more than a passing resemblence to the 'Hi-Ho' song from Snow White?  Was that intentional?"

I may have "borrowed" parts of the vocal melody, though I'd like to avoid any further discussion of this particular topic. I don't need another scandal on my hands.

"I'm also thinking the only thing worse than drinking way too much in front of co-workers and letting fly with what you really think of the bullshit project you're stuck on and all the reasons it's going to fail and how the business is going to point their stinky finger at you instead of squarely where it belongs (at their own stinky ass) when it does, is coming home afterwards and commenting on blogs before you've completely come down.  Sorry, man... Cowboy out."

That sounds like a fun day, actually. Not over and over and over, but every once in a while.

I used to enjoy the occasional corporate scuffle, though I never thought to include alcohol. Probably because I seem to be allergic to something in alcohol (what's in alcohol besides alcohol?). I'd have to do something else.

Showing up to the meeting with a box of baking-soda, a spoon, some water, a propane torch, and a crack pipe (with crack) would be a bold statement.

"I'm ready to work. And do crack. Mostly do crack."

It's late. I don't know what I'm talking about even more than usual.

Celes -

"I have to say, you had me going there for a moment."

Woo-hoo!

"I was ready for something totally serious and profound"

So... are you saying you didn't get that from this song?

It doesn't get any profounder than "You stink where you are pink."

"like- with confessions from the soul"

That implies a soul.

"and pondering viewpoints that would totally blow my mind and rearrange my ways of thinking and viewing the world..."

I'm sure that some people will never be the same after watching this.

"It left me somewhere between the 'That funny guy!' and 'I'm almost embarrassed and disappointed that he had me going.'"

Well... to be a little seriouser for a moment, it's probably because I *do* have that serious side - you know that - but you know it because we email. It doesn't usually come out in posts. I'm only serious when nobody's watching.

"I made a noise that expressed that which seemed to annoy and kind of frighten my cat."

Speaking of which, do you know what really scares cats?

Natural disasters.

"Maybe you should hire yourself out as entertainment for parties. No, not THAT kind of entertainment, I mean like- you get your own Rory Blyth who will sit there and strange, interesting, and funny all at once."

I'd begin my argument by saying that I don't think there's a market for Rory Blyth, but, then, HP also told the Steves that there was no market for a personal computer.

One thing's for sure: I shan't be offering my services to HP.

"He may make a fort out of your cushions. He may make up a song that sounds vaguely dwarven in origin. He may make sound effects or tell interesting little vignettes about himself or life."

You're describing a normal afternoon for me.

You think I could charge for that?

I hope my stupid freeloading asshole friends are reading this.

China Girl -

"OH MY GOD YOU PRAYING MY GEETAHR!"

Actually, I'm praying my own geetahr.

Your geetahr is still up in Bellevue.

I hope this doesn't take away from your admiration of my work.

"You is praying on *MY* GEETAHR!"

Actually, I'm praying my own geetahr.

Your geetahr is still up in Bellevue.

I hope this doesn't take away from your admiration of my work.

"You going get new string sometime, or what?"

Yes. New string. One at a time.

I have them on layaway. I plan to change one string every two months.

This time next year, my (not your) geetahr is going to sound like it has five old strings and one really new, nice one.

Mark your calendar.

"String sound flat and flabby like husband double chin when he fall asleep in front of TV....Gawd! Watchu doing making love song on MY GEETAHR?!"

Yeah. About the geetahr - see above.

"At least re-string and make honorable song or something."

Yeah. About the string - see above.

"And a PS: My pink don't stink."

I know. That's actually quite true.

"Smell like kimchee."

Do you think I would have proposed to you the fifth time if your pink smelled like kimchee?

It's gross enough that kimchee smells like kimchee.

DaveVB -

"Cute song Rory."

Cute? CUTE?!

You insult my muse, sir.

You insult my art.

A kitty-cat is cute. Babies are c... wait. No they aren't. They're all wrinkly and weird.

Um.

Lemurs are cute. World peace is cute. The Andromeda galaxy is cute.

My song is... SCARY.

"Kudos for playing and singing at the same time."

I'm glad I was finally able to find a use for my doctoral thesis from Juilliard.

"Get your strat out next and switch it over to powerchords and yell the lyrics really loud."

What a savage treatment for such a beautiful... for such a SCARY song.

I'm working on the live arrangement right now, which reminds me - if anybody knows someone who wails on the electric-zither, call me.

"That oughta get you on MTV, it'll help sell ya book!"

If I get on MTV, I'll forget about all this book crap.

The book was just supposed to get my foot in the door somewhere so I could sell out.

If this MTV deal comes - as you've promised it shall - I'll be able to get sell-out work anywhere.

I see myself peddling tampons. I think I'd be a great tampon company spokesman. It's new - it's daring - how often do you see a guy talking about the joys of tampons?

It's about time we evened the playing field in the female-dominated tampon industry.

"By Rory Blyth. Writer, programmer and rockstar."

Correction: Writer, programmer, rockstar, and tampon salesman.

Rory, I hate to prod, but I really want to know what happened to me!

Yeah, they get sweaty down there don't they. Oh well. good song.

"If this MTV deal comes - as you've promised it shall"

Hmmmm..... Working at Channel whatever, don't you know Laura Foy?
Couldn't you ask her to get you a job at G4 instead? I just assume that would be way easier.

The Andromeda Galaxy is several orders of magnitude larger than you are capable of imagining.

It's mostly full of nothing, like most things, just more so. Despite that however it's mass is enough to bend space and time to such an extent that you could probably stand up straight and still touch your toes.

It consists mostly of dust, and the bits which aren't dust have collected themselves into balls which have giant fusion reactions occuring at their cores. These balls are about 4000 kelvin on the outside, which is the cold bit. The sheer quantity of light they produce is enough to propel objects through space, let alone the amount of matter they eject. The final remaining parts have formed themselves into rocks which are easily large enough to leave a hole in whatever planet you're living on.

It's a vast, indifferent, dangerous object which may or may not support several different kinds of life. There are several thousand ways it can kill you.

It is not cute.

"You think I could charge for that?"

I know I'd at least make you dinner. Dessert too. Cookies. But then, I'd do that for anyone who amused me. I remember when that used to be done for me a lot. Damn, I miss my Portland (not to be confused with Rory's). We had apple pie parties.

"Well... to be a little seriouser for a moment, it's probably because I *do* have that serious side - you know that - but you know it because we email. It doesn't usually come out in posts. I'm only serious when nobody's watching."

I was kind of thinking "This is it, this is Rory's serious side big coming out!" (Not in that way Mark Miller thinks you will) all on the edge of my couch and in anticipation.

Maybe you missed your true calling as a con artist. Wait, you said something about getting into marketing. Same thing.

"I see myself peddling tampons."

I might enjoy that time of my life more if I knew I got to wear Rory tampons. I'd look at the box with Rory on it (giving a thumbs up), laugh for a moment, giving the brain some endorphins- making my period that much less terrible. You could really help people!

"I'd begin my argument by saying that I don't think there's a market for Rory Blyth"

I think we have plenty of evidence here to the contrary. Rory Blyth bobble heads. Rory Blyth toilet paper...

""I made a noise that expressed that which seemed to annoy and kind of frighten my cat."
Speaking of which, do you know what really scares cats?
Natural disasters."

Sir! Are you calling me a natural disaster?  

"It's gross enough that kimchee smells like kimchee."

YES! Yes it is... Do you know people actually EAT that stuff?

I did not like it.

I did like it. So there, Anonymous!

What's that behind your left ear? It looked white and tubular, and I'm hoping it's a Bic pen.

ROFLMAO!

sandwich impostor -

"Rory, I hate to prod, but I really want to know what happened to me!"

sandwich isn't capitalized.

You've been found out. Discovered. You shall hornswaggle no further. Your shennahanahngens (how the f*** do you spell that?) are undone.

However, given that you're so desperate for the answer that you would sink to the lowest possible level of human depravity and then burrow another several thousand feet down below that, I'll satisfy your curiosity (though I don't approve of your methods).

I'm taking a break from the purely creative stuff. I'm probably going to be producing a mix of tech and light fun (like this video) for a while. I got too wrapped up in that world, and I kinda lost my way. I was thinking about it to the exclusion of most other things - you need to deal with real life to be able not to write about it.

It'll be back. I'll finish it. There are probably only two more episodes that need to be written before the (very short) seventh day - already written - can be posted.

I don't finish things. It's a block I have. This is going to be the first time I've ever completed a short story. I expect I'll be proud, though I've decided to be scared first.

Chris -

"Yeah, they get sweaty down there don't they. Oh well. good song."

Summertime is nearly upon us, my friend.

There's a saying I found in one of Dali's bloody effing amazing books of writing (he kept these journals that are just... well, I was highly influenced by them - the guy, in addition to everything else he did, was a brilliant writer) - I forget if it's Spanish or Catalonian, but it's: "In summer, neither women nor oysters."

So much truth and sound advice condensed into one small sentence. I wish I were that smart.

"Hmmmm..... Working at Channel whatever, don't you know Laura Foy?"

Yeah... and I miss her. Unique human-being. Nuts creative. I wish everybody got a chance to hang out with her. It's hours and hours of wit and entertainment. Never met anybody like her.

"Couldn't you ask her to get you a job at G4 instead? I just assume that would be way easier."

:)

She and Tina got cancelled so very long ago... then G4 changed, and everybody hates it now.

The story of how G4 got started - Laura was an integral piece of it - is something for which I respect the hell out of that woman. I don't think she tells the story much, though. She's tenacious as hell, and has survival skills unlike anything I've ever seen (especially since my survival skills seem to be non-existent - "Hey! Maybe I'll spend a year doing drugs, not eating, and wasting away! Woo-hooooo!").

She was even offered a job by Comedy Central - her own show - but after having been cancelled at G4, she got a glimpse of how harsh the industry can be, so... Microsoft. She gets a steady paycheck, perks, and all that.

She has choices, though. I got to spend a lot of time hanging out with her last year at Mix, and industry people just walk up and give her job offers - one even named a salary on the spot that blew my mind.

Don't know when this turned into the Laura Foy-a-thon. Sorry... I guess I just wish that more people knew her story.

I wonder if she'd kill me for having told this much of it.

Anyway... hell of a person.

Massif -

"It's a vast, indifferent, dangerous object which may or may not support several different kinds of life. There are several thousand ways it can kill you.

It is not cute."

That whole thing was brilliant. For serious.

Something you didn't mention - the Milky Way is due to collide with it in a few billion years.

I'm building a bomb shelter with enough water to last for at least two weeks. I like to be prepared.

Oh - flashlights, too (I think your people call them "torches" or something like that).

And Powerbars.

I'm a survivor.

Celes -

"I know I'd at least make you dinner."

I don't really eat. I appreciate the thought, though.

"Dessert too. Cookies."

See above.

"But then, I'd do that for anyone who amused me."

Well. There goes all the I-felt-special-for-a-few-seconds effect.

"I was kind of thinking 'This is it, this is Rory's serious side big coming out!' (Not in that way Mark Miller thinks you will) all on the edge of my couch and in anticipation."

Yeah. That's what I wanted people to think.

Suckers!

"Maybe you missed your true calling as a con artist."

No - I didn't. And if people think I missed it, then I'm better than I thought.

"I might enjoy that time of my life more if I knew I got to wear Rory tampons."

There's something I never thought I'd read.

"I'd look at the box with Rory on it (giving a thumbs up), laugh for a moment, giving the brain some endorphins- making my period that much less terrible. You could really help people!"

There's something else I never thought I'd read.

Maybe I could design them with party themes and stuff like that - cheery, fun, exciting tampons.

There's something I never thought I'd write.

"I think we have plenty of evidence here to the contrary. Rory Blyth bobble heads. Rory Blyth toilet paper..."

Whatever makes me more money.

"Sir! Are you calling me a natural disaster?"

No. It just popped up in my head.

"YES! Yes it is... Do you know people actually EAT that stuff?"

I'm one of those people. I *love* kimchee. A close college friend of mine is Korean - we used to chow down on the kimchee all the time. He had a rice-cooker in his dorm - we'd steam up some sticky rice and add mounds of kimchee. Fantastic. People didn't like us very much.

He used to get homemade kimchee from family friends. That stuff was the best. My favorite batch was uber-rank. It had carbonated during the fermentation process, and some kind of alcohol had been produced. It bubbled and burned in the mouth - it was effervescent. We ate it like mad and then we both, for reasons we'll never know, had this crazy psychedelic experience (might have been "that" kind of alcohol) accompanied by severe diarrhea.

*That's* a party.

I moved back in with my dad the following summer, and always had a huge jar of kimchee in the fridge. I thought it was lovely, but he was hypersensitive to it. No matter where he was in the house - even if he was outside - he sensed it the *second* I opened the jar. Not kidding. I'd just hear him yell, "THAT SMELLS LIKE USED DIAPERS."

I've never smelled a diaper other than my own, and I think I've gotten used to it - desensitized - so I couldn't relate.

What I've learned is that other people don't like kimchee as much as I do.

Anonymous -

"I did not like it."

You 'n me both, brother.

You 'n me both.

Andrew -

"I did like it."

You 'n me both, brother.

You 'n me both.

"What's that behind your left ear? It looked white and tubular, and I'm hoping it's a Bic pen."

I wasn't aware of anything behind my left ear. Now I'm paranoid. It could have been a brain-sucking alien, and I'll never know. Probably in part because it sucked on my brain. Awareness of myself and my environment may have taken a dive.

This blows. I've had my brain sucked.

Maybe you shouldn't have said anything.

"ROFLMAO!"

I had a conversation about this phrase the other day with some friends.

We concluded that though we have laughed whilst crying, almost peeing our pants, and had liquids come out of our nose, only one of us in the room had actually rolled on the floor laughing..

And well, there were circumstances involving one of those desk chairs on wheels. Technically, the chair was rolling on the floor, not him.

So, Lisa, did you actually roll on the floor laughing? And if so, is there evidence? I want to see photos...

...if for no other reason that I could then ROFL at you ROFLing.

"I used to enjoy the occasional corporate scuffle, though I never thought to include alcohol. Probably because I seem to be allergic to something in alcohol (what's in alcohol besides alcohol?). I'd have to do something else."

In fairness it was semi-after hours at one of those mandatory optional dinner-for-the-team things.  Since the company is buying the beer, bring it on.

Beer #1 lasted about 10 seconds.  Beer #2 lasted slightly longer.  For reference, 2 beers is my maximum for retaining good judgement.  

Beer #3 lasted at least five minutes.  By this time I'm being quite obnoxious, as is my friend who downed the double jack-n-coke in rougly 3 seconds.  What can I say, coders can drink.  We're an interesting bunch. Probably a good thing it was a loud restaurant.

Beer #4 lasted the rest of dinner.  I at least retained enough common sense to realize that If I continued drinking at this pace, not only would I have holes in my memory of what happened that night, but I would most likely have to resign in shame after hearing what happened during the blank spots.  Historically speaking, I know that's exactly what will happen.  Please don't make me elaborate.

Luckily, after reviewing the evening with a few coworkers this morning, it turns out minimal damage was done.  Most of my rants went unheard, and I managed to only be obnoxiously innapropriate.  I, however, am not the one who got his picture taken with giant onion rings for glasses.  For that, at least, I am thankful.

"That sounds like a fun day, actually. Not over and over and over, but every once in a while."

I suppose it was.

"I might enjoy that time of my life more if I knew I got to wear Rory tampons."
I never thought I'd read that either.  The first image that springs to mind is Rory's picture emblazoned across the "functional part".  Perhaps it could play the song too.  Fill in the rest with your imagination.

"THAT SMELLS LIKE USED DIAPERS."
I've never had kimchee, and based solely on that comment, I'm fairly sure I'll never try it.  Anything whose smell can be described as used diapers is not something I'm likely to put into my mouth.  On the other hand, if it produces crazy psycedelic experiences, I might consider it for the next company dinner.

I'm sure G4 was better with Laura on it, but it's not so bad now.  Morgan Webb is my future ex-wife.

"...we used to chow down on the kimchee all the time..."

Wait. A. Minute. I thought you said you don't eat. What you're saying is that you'd eat kimchee, but not something cooked or baked by me..?

"Well. There goes all the I-felt-special-for-a-few-seconds effect."

Hey. Me too, Kimchee Man Who is Too Good For Food That Doesn't Smell Like Diapers.

And not many people amuse me enough to get dinner. It *is* an honor. In recent times I've made dinner for my little brother a bunch... and that's about it. He used to tell random stories about zombie frogs when he was only three. He deserves it.  

You know what, I don't feel like making you dinner anymore.

Maybe I'll make dinner for the "Taco" Cowboy.

"I, however, am not the one who got his picture taken with giant onion rings for glasses."

Phht. Nevermind. I have standards.

"...had this crazy psychedelic experience (might have been "that" kind of alcohol) accompanied by severe diarrhea. *That's* a party."

First you put down my cooking and then my party giving skills. This is all after calling me a natural disaster, mind you.

I was going to say something else scathing and witty, but after rereading what I wrote, I thought it might be better to clarify I am joking. :)

I'd make either of you dinner, but only after Cow Taco here uses some food as a clothing item and lets me take a picture.

And, well, after paths have crossed or the iTrans gets invented and I can afford one.

Kimchee- if you're ever in Portland, Maine and want some, Oriental Sun on Congress St. is a Korean market that has jars of homemade kimchee. I hate the stuff, which is why I always made note of it while shopping there.

I tried it when at Benkay. We ordered one of our sushi rolls with 'cream cheese' and they thought we said 'kimchee'.

I could tell the difference right away...

@Celes
"Phht. Nevermind. I have standards."
Ouch....

"I'd make either of you dinner, but only after Cow Taco here uses some food as a clothing item and lets me take a picture."

You're on.  What did you have in mind?

"What did you have in mind?"

Are we talking about what's for dinner or what food item you need to use as clothing?

Well, I'm not sure the type of food matters as long as it is as amusing as "giant onion rings for glasses" (or more amusing).

"Ouch...."

Don't worry. You've redeemed yourself now that you're going to go through with this ridiculous stunt.

You know, a video would be better than a picture. That would put you right up there with Rory's future gogs if you had onion ring gogs.

They wouldn't let you see into the future or anything, but... it'd still be pretty cool.

Ah, well, that's good to know.

"I'm probably going to be producing a mix of tech and light fun (like this video) for a while."

Two proverbial thumbs up (typing is too hard with literal ones).

Shenanigans.  The best kinds are accompanied by ballyhoo.

That was... ~sniff~ ...lovely.